Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Developing of medical system in many sides keep people healthier and their life expectancy is higher


ADIE08 29 / 32 1  
Feb 9, 2016   #1
one of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.
do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


Recently, as the result of the developing of the medical system in many sides make people healthy and expectancy life people increase. In my opinion, there are some benefits and drawback people who are long age. Then following this essay I will give my strong reason.

First and foremost, the advantages of this, long life age make new chance which they have a very productive age's is very important for the development of the country. Based on data from WHO organization that China is example country in which success open a lot of jobs and develop their citizen to improve the economy country as the consequence china now become the giant economy in the world then they have a higher life expectancy rate. Moreover, long life also has an impact in society in which people have a good physically and mentality is still be needed their help in some side. For instance, The scientists or Professors still be needed of their knowledge and the ability for humankind although their age over sixty years. Finally, Durability and life chances are increased levels in which pushed up opportunities in develop of countries are also very large.

However there is contrast opinion says that good life expectancy has a lot of negative effect in humankind then the most problem is a high increase of medical care. The phenomenon of population ageing is directly related to what is known as health transition. According to an OECD report, the over-65 age group accounts for 40-50% of healthcare spending and they're per capita health care costs are three to five times higher than for those under 65. And there are fears that public expenditure could rise as the result of ageing happened in good life expectancy countries. This has impact continuously which countries will spend more money to give the treatment and good medical for them but the productivity work is not balance in which every year they decrease. As a consequence, make the fee of labor will incline dramatically. Therefore improvement in life expectancy significantly also increases the citizen life cost and country.

In conclusion, the positive of having high life expectancy is there are many populations of productive age that it is an essential part in the country's development. However, there is negative too, which high expectancy in the world make the cost of citizen increase significant mostly in medical care.

EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Feb 9, 2016   #2
Your intro does not outline your reasons, or ideas, but it should. That is why it is called an intro! You should list them in a thesis statement, right in that first paragraph.

I will give my strong reason...

help them in some side...

Help them in some way...

Your word choice needs improvement as does your spelling. You forgot to capitalize the word China, in one instance.
All in all you have some good writing but need more order and better word choice. Perhaps you can read it over with a dictionary and check up the meaning of words you use!

Good start but try reworking the essay by giving more attention to your intro and developing word choice.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 9, 2016   #3
Adie, I agree with Carol, when you develop the essay, make sure to use a short outline to help you develop your ideas and presentation in the essay. You have to learn to identify the keywords that exist in the prompt in order to develop a strong introductory statement. If you get the keywords, you will be able to present all of the necessary information in the opening statement. In this essay, the keywords, as I identify them are:

consequences of improved medical, living longer, life expectancy is increasing, advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages.

So, if you take the keywords and then build your paragraph around those words, you will be able to accurately restate the prompt, depict the opinions existing regarding the topic, and finally, present your opinion regarding it. the opening statement is the most critical piece of writing in any English language test. I suggest that you constantly strive to improve your opening statement presentation because that is where the initial impression and score regarding your ability as an English language writer will be based upon.
Bunglon11 28 / 31 5  
Feb 26, 2016   #4
Hi Adie, I do agree with Carol and Vangiespen, you have to make clear your outline, it will help not only you to guide your explanation in the next paragraph but the readers will easily understand what you are going to explain in the following explanation.

... long life age make new chance which they have a very productive age's is (double verbs ) very important for ...

Be aware of your grammatical error and your spelling. hope it helps
mita23 34 / 37 3  
Feb 27, 2016   #5
Hello Adie, let me check your writing.

1. Recently, as the result of the developing of the medical system in many sides make people healthy and expectancy life people increase .
In this contemporary era, the improvement of medical care make people stay healthy and have long life expectancy.

2. In my opinion, there are some benefits and drawbackdrawbacksfrom that trendpeople who are long age .

3. Then following this essay I will giveThis essay will elaborate my strong reason.

4. First and foremost,With regard to the advantages of this, long life age makemakes new chance which they to have a very productive age's because this is very important for the development of the country.

5. Based on data from WHO organization, that China is example country in which successsuccessfully open a lot of jobs and develop their citizen to improve the economy country as the consequence . Consequently, chinaChina now becomebecomes the giant economy in the world thenand they have a higher life expectancy rate.

thank you


Home / Writing Feedback / Developing of medical system in many sides keep people healthier and their life expectancy is higher