Dimas, I know what it is that you are trying to say in this essay. Unfortunately, you did not do a very good job of developing your English sentences for the presentation. There are some sentences which left me confused and stressed as I had to repeatedly read the passage in order to guess what you are trying to say. This is particularly evident in the following quote:
being easily connected all over the word is one of benefits if English was mother of tongue for everyone.
- I think what you were trying to say was "world" instead of "word" and you failed to use the connecting phrase "is the" when you referred to the mother tongue. The correct presentation for that is "English is the mother tongue..."
Then, in the third paragraph, you make reference to the translator job but you do not fully explain that it is only the translator job that you are referring to when you discuss unemployment. There is also no proper reference as to why the use of the English language will result in a crime rate increase.
Do not try to over-discuss the issue. Use only one topic per paragraph so you can focus on the clarity of your explanation. The reviewer doesn't need to read plenty of reasons. He only needs to know that you can use one reason and explain it well enough for a native English speaker to understand.
You have the potential to do well in this test. You just need to focus more on the quality of your presentation rather than the number of information you are presenting as content.