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Writing IELTS Task 1 (Diagram) of recreation places in Britain in the last year of the 20th century

ilmuholic 3 / 5  
Jan 8, 2017   #1

recreational places choice by British people

The diagram shows four choices of recreation places by Britainian in 1999 including theme park, museum and galleries, historic houses and monuments, and wildlife parks and zoos.

It is noticeable that theme park became the first choice of local tourist in England and wildlife parks or zoos was the last in mind to spend their leisure time. Entertainment attractions was more preferable than other type of recreation places.

Theme park became the most visited by Britanian with the percentage of 38% and this amount distributed into five choices of attractions. Among those five Blackpool Pressure Beach was the most favorite with 47% of theme park visitor and Chessington World of Adventure as well as Legoland in Windsor became the last choices with only 10% of theme park visitor.

Museum and Galleries had almost the same amount of visitor as theme park with only 1% different. Educational recreation chose only about one-sixth of overall tourist in England while natural places had the least of fans at 9% of visitor.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,617 2512  
Jan 8, 2017   #2
Wahyu, if you combine the first and second paragraphs to create a singular paragraph, then you will be presenting an overview that is within the required 3-5 sentence presentation. However, if you did that, you would end up with an essay that is only 2 paragraphs long. That is because the last 2 paragraphs that you present also need to be merged in order to create an accurate discussion of the diagram. I believe that you have the potential to improve this essay in order to meet all the required formats. You just need to review the diagram again and this time, make sure to develop your opening statement in the proper manner. That means, shortening your sentences in the presentation in order to meet the required sentence minimum. Then, you have to expand the second paragraph in order to accurately present the information provided. Like i said, you can combine the last 2 paragraphs from this essay to accomplish that. So your remaining problem will be properly concluding your report in order to better reflect the provided information. I suggest that you simply recap the information in the final paragraph, covering at least 3 sentences, in order to remind the reader about the purpose of the report.
OP ilmuholic 3 / 5  
Jan 9, 2017   #3
@holt Thanks a bunch for the review and suggestion. I'll try to improve in those minus points of my writing.
liv_ryu 13 / 22 6  
Jan 9, 2017   #4
dear @ilmuholic
firstly, please make sure that your overview is the summation of all that you discuss in your body paragraph. In this case, I notice that you have to mention about Theme Parks and Blackpool Pleasure Beach in which both of them are the main points of this diagram.

secondly, it will be better if you are able to categorize the diagram properly. it can simplify your words in writing.

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