Please, please, help me to recognize my mistakes I am taking an IELTS test on 12th May.
Topic: As children become adults, their social behavior changes in some ways.
What are the main difference between young children's social behavior and that of adults? To what extent are the changes that take place good?
There are many elements that influence the social behavior of people during their lives. This is what sociologists call "socialization process". Therefore, it is clear that behavior of children can be different from adults stemming from the factors such as peer groups, schooling, and the like. This fact provides the questions that "in what ways social behavior of adults and children is different?" and "how the changes in children's lives can steer them toward a good situation?".
As time passes, each person experiences new things that changes his/her social manner. The difference between children and adults social behavior can be classified to two main categories. Firs of all, children are more sincere in their relationships. As a result, making friend is easy for them, while the revers is true for adults. In fact, the diversification of adults' behavior is more than than of children. For this reason, it is hard for adults to find a person that his/her behavior be close to themselves. Secondly, financial issue is another important factor that must be considered in this concern. This issue can significantly impact the social behavior of adults, whereas, it plays less important role in children's lives. In other words, economical circumstances of adults confer a social standing on them which directly affect their social behavior. By contrary, what plays a vital role in social life of children is emotional bonds between them and their friends and families. Consequently, the significant differences between children and adults social behavior can be attributed to psychological and economical reasons.
Nevertheless, some changes in social manner of children can be useful. For example, it is not appropriate to trust all people, what is prevalent among children. In fact, children learn which person is viewed as a good person as they interact with various people through time. Moreover, increase in children's experience while they are growing up prepare them for diverse conditions in their future lives, ranging from harsh situations to their future civic roles. Thus, changes in behavior of children during the flow of life can positively impact their lives in the future.
To sum up, as people grow up many social agents affect their social behavior. It is believed that some of these changes are suitable. From my perspective, however, adults should maintain some of their childhood behavior such as honesty. If individuals have this attitude toward the life, the world will be better place for living.
There are many elements that influence the social behavior of people during the different phases of their liveslife cycle .
I think your English writing skills are pretty good. However, you need to understand the essay structure and format for IELTS;
Your essay seems to be deviated from that expected structure and is full of theories and facts without any examples to support them. This also makes the reader confused about bored.
