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Different Forms of Entertainment ( Bar Graph) Task 1


turalfh 1 / 3  
Apr 16, 2011   #1
This is my first essay on IELTS. I am looking forward your comments and recommendations about my essay. Please, also dont forget evaluate it ). Thanks in advance

Q: The graph below shows how money was spent on different forms of entertainment over a five-year period. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below

A: The graph gives us the information about the expenditure of four forms of entertainment between 1995 and 2000 in Asia, Europe and United States. It can be clearly seen that there is an upward trend in all kinds of entertainment mentioned in the graph.

The field which was spent the most money is publishing by US: 75 bln in 1995 and over 100 bln in 2000. The cost of publishing in US is more than the overall expenditure of Asia in 2000. Television market increased by 100% ( from 50 bln to 100 bln). Although cinema, video and music spending is rising, it is less than 40 billion altogether.

Europe takes an average position. Over a five-year period, publishing went up to nearly twice. Television and cinema, video rose, while music fluctuated in five years. Albeit, Asia spends least in three world markets, the amount of money spent between 1995 and 2000 is more than the one of Europe. All kinds of entertainment virtually increased twice

All in all, US has kept tis domineering position in five years. the Unidet States spends more money on entertainment than Asia and Europe together.

Word Count: 192




ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Apr 16, 2011   #2
Hi Turalfh

I made some changes in your first paragraph, but as a first try for essay it is a good job, unless to be more cautious about the writing of graph or tables. the first thing is to be focus on wholistic results, and it needs a 5 minutes thinking and making an strategy for writing. Thia is the most challenging part and if you go over some of my thread about Task 1 you will see that I also have some mostakles like this. first o fall as you see the task asks you to more compare the expenditure rather than describing just each bar. then the main goal in this writing is to show the trends comparisons. I think it is better to

compare the
1- A holistic comparison of the three regions.
2- The trend of the changes in each region during that time.
and if htere are enough time and place
3- the major changing or shifting of the preferences.

I think first start to do your writing regardless on how long you take time to do this, then try to increase your speed and and other qualities.

The graph gives us the information aboutcompares the amount of expenditure of on four different forms of entertainments between 1995 and 2000 in Asia, Europe and United States. It can be clearly seen that there is an upward trend in all kinds of entertainments mentioned in the graph.

The field which was spent the most money is publishing by US: 75 bln in 1995 and over 100 bln in 2000. The cost of publishing in US is more than the overall expenditure of Asia in 2000. Television market increased by 100% ( from 50 bln to 100 bln). Although cinema, video and music spending is rising, it is less than 40 billion altogether.

Europe takes an average position. Over a five-year period, publishing went up to nearly twice. Television and cinema, video rose, while music fluctuated in five years. Albeit, Asia spends least in three world markets, the amount of money spent between 1995 and 2000 is more than the one of Europe. All kinds of entertainment virtually increased twice

All in all, US has kept tis domineering position in five years. the Unidet States spends more money on entertainment than Asia and Europe together.

Word Count: 192
OP turalfh 1 / 3  
Apr 17, 2011   #3
Dear ,ARIA. Primarily, thank you for your attention.

I think 'entertainment' cant be in plural form. As you see from the question mentioned by examiner, it is in single form

Your version of my my first paragraph is more suitable ;)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 19, 2011   #4
I think 'entertainment' cant be in plural form.

Yes, it would be unusual to use it with an s at the end. Good call!

I do like that correction Aria made involving with word "compares," though! That is an improvement, I think!

*** I don't know how to give it a score. I would be guessing if I tried to evaluate it.

The field in which the most money was spent is publishing in the United States: $75 billion in 1995 and over $100 billion in 2000.

The cost of publishing in the United States was more than the overall expenditure of Asia in 2000.

Albeit, Asia spends least in three world markets, (what do you mean to say here?) the amount of...

Capitalize the first word of every sentence! And here is a typo:
The United Sta tes spends more money on entertainment than Asia and Europe together.

:-)
OP turalfh 1 / 3  
Apr 19, 2011   #5
The field in which the most money was spent is... << I liked this phrase. Thank you so much, EF-Kevin )


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