IELTS writing task 2 - different perspectives on changes

I wrote this for a mock test that I did but the band I got was a lot lower than my expectation/ target score. I could really use some comments on how I could improve. Thanks a lot!

changes from my point of view

Q.

Some people prefer to change and think that change leads to new experiences. Others believe that it is better for their lives to remain the same.

Others believe that it is better for their lives to remain the same.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
knowledge or experience.

A.

Changes occur in our lives, whether small or big. There is not much we could do but accept them. Yet when faced with changes, people react differently. Some people find changes frightening for which might take what they are familiar with away from them, whereas some others are thrilled for the excitement and differences that come with changes. Personally, I tend to look forward to changes and endless possibilities they bring.

From my standpoint, it is completely reasonable for certain people to consider changes scary given the fact that anyone could feel insecure in an unfamiliar situation. Going through dramatic changes can be extremely stressful and hard to handle even for those who were excited about changes at first place. Take becoming parents as an example. Despite the satisfaction of creating a new life with the loved one, it has been proven that having and raising a baby can possibly cause mental disorder resulted from major changes in all the different aspects. Thus, it is not a surprise that people regard such changes terrifying.

However, changes are essential to our lives. Regardless of how changes might seem disturbing at first, they are what keep living interesting and spice up our daily life. Changes give us an opportunity to make things better. In addition, they also enable us to break free from the draining cycle of the same day playing repeatedly. Although seemed frightening at first glance, changes could actually broaden our horizons and lead to tremendous brand new experience. Therefore it is crucial to remain open-minded when it comes to changes.

All in all, despite the fact that changes are inevitable regardless of our attitude toward them. I firmly believe that instead of being afraid of changes, we should stay positive and attempt to look on the bright side of a new page of life.

Zi Xuan, the reason that you failed this test is really simple. You failed to follow the discussion requirements from the very beginning. This is a 5 paragraph essay that should have had 3 reasoning paragraphs based on 2 public points of view before the establishment of your personal opinion. Right from the get go, you had the essay all wrong. Your thesis statement at the end of what was otherwise a fantastic paraphrase is what got you started with your mistake.

Thesis Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Your Instruction: Personally, I tend to look forward to changes and endless possibilities they bring.

Correct Response: I would like to give my personal opinion regarding this topic after a clear discussion of the presented 2 points of view.

So the discussion structure should have been:
Par 1: Paraphrase
Par 2: Public POV 1
Par 3: Public POV 2
Par 4: Personal POV with supporting examples from personal experience
Par 5: Concluding summary

For the body of paragraphs, you should have provided a clear idea that the public discussion was taking place. Saying relevant keywords such as "When people say that..." or "However, when members of society believe that..." Such keywords clearly represent that you are discussing the 2 public points of view in the essay. Since that is a required discussion, you need to properly represent it within the first sentence / topic sentence of the paragraph.

The concluding summary on the other hand should merely summarize the presented discussion points in the 3 reasoning paragraphs so that you can repeat your personal opinion as the closing sentence of the essay.

These are the main reasons that your essay score was lower than you expected. You did not understand what was required of you in the discussion. Utilize the other sample essays that are available at this forum. Read, read, read the samples and learn about discussion approaches and common student errors made so that you can avoid the same mistakes in your future practice tests.