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[TOEFL] Different Reasons for attending college or universtiy


aoey 6 / 17 2  
Nov 13, 2013   #1
Hi! I'm new and this is also my first essay here :). Would someone please help me to correct my essay. It would be much appreciated.

Topic : People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge).
Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


Nowadays, people normally attend college or university for many reasons since both college and university provide ample advantages to them,
not merely increased knowledge and being more educated. Here are some explanations why I think people decide to attend college or university.

The first reason, people would like to be more specified in their career path. For example, a young student dreaming to be a doctor is required to

have much more knowledge than what he has studied from the secondary school. As a school can just educate only the elementary subjects,
he must attend to university to learn more specified subjects to be a doctor as he yearns for.

Another reason is to have relations with several people. So, one chooses to get in a college or university. In a class, he will meet the people who

are interested in the same things as he is. This reason can be well explained by a business owner or an investor. There is a good chance to make a

partnership for his business in the future.

Last reasons, the more educated one is, the more career opportunity he gets. Obviously, a person who graduates with Bachelor's Degree always has
a higher position in the company than the one who doesn't. This is because attending college or university supplies more knowledge than the school does.

Hence people can better bring their knowledge to adjust to their work.

It can be concluded that attending college or university is necessary for people. Because the high education can give them more several benefits than
the basic learning from school, undoubtedly, most people nowadays choose to attain additional knowledge from college or university for better quality of life.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 13, 2013   #2
Nowadays, peoplenormally attend college or university for many reasons since both college and university provide ample advantages to them, not merely increased knowledge and being more educated.

... well, I find several redundant words here. This is the hook of your essay and it should be powerful enough to give the reader a punch and grab his attention to your writing.
OP aoey 6 / 17 2  
Nov 13, 2013   #3
thank you very much for your advice comment. I'll practice and follow it next time. :)
Is there any advice in other paragraphs?
OP aoey 6 / 17 2  
Nov 13, 2013   #4
thank you very much for your advice. I'll practice and try to follow it next time. Is there any comment in other paragraphs?
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Nov 13, 2013   #5
The first reason

Firstly/To begin with

people would like to be more specified in their career path

people want to have the best preparation for their career.

For example, a young student dreaming to be a doctor is required to have much more knowledge than what he has studied from the secondary school.

Academic knowledge provided in secondary school is inadequate for a student who, for example, aspires to become a doctor.

attend to university

Another reason is to have relations with several people. So, one chooses to get in a college or university.

Another reason for entering university is to establish relationship with other people.

There is a good chance

This is a good chance

Last reasons

Lastly

the more educated one is, the more career opportunity he gets

higher education learners are likely to secure better employment opportunities after graduation.

doesn't

Don't use contraction in your essay.
OP aoey 6 / 17 2  
Nov 13, 2013   #6
MisterWandering
Thank you soo much :)


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