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There are many different types of music in the world today. 'enjoy, pleasure'


codeblue 5 / 9 1  
Mar 23, 2014   #1
Nowadays, there has been a rich variety of musical styles mounting from around the world. Music plays a pivotal role for all human in a range of reasons. However, some people are alarmed that the traditional music is being lost because of the increasing popularity of international music.

There are a number of reasons why music is essential in humans. First, music is important because it provides enjoyment, entertainment and pleasure in everyday life. People listen to music every now and then for relaxation, to relieve from a boredom and to sleep easier. It is one way of expressing your thoughts, ideas and feelings. Moreover, music has been proven to have health benefits. For instance, classical music has been found to cause comfort and tranquility. It is also brings joy to the sorrowful, hope to those in despair and life to the depressed. Hence, the boon of music in a person's life is countless.

In considering which kind of music is more important, I suppose that traditional music must be treasured more than the modern music. No once can deny the fact that international music is often more appealing and fun, but it is mainly due to a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people. Alternatively, traditional music expresses the rich culture, history and customs of a country. It helps in preserving the chronicle of the people as well as the value of loyalty that must be well established for the generations to know and follow.

In conclusion, music is a crucial part in the life of everyone and one cannot imagine living without it. Yet, traditional music must put on emphasis over the other.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 23, 2014   #2
It is good if you included your prompt with the essay. Then we have a better understanding as to what it expects from you :) Also, include the purpose of your writing, e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc. in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. :)

Nowadays, there has been a rich variety of musical styles mounting from around the world. Music plays a pivotal role for all human in a range of reasons. However, some people are alarmed that the traditional music is being lost because of the increasing popularity of international music.

Well, I am not really impressed with the presentation of this intro. You try to complicate your sentences with too many redundant and inappropriate key words. Do not try to replace words with synonyms if you are not sure of their usage. They may destroy your flow of ideas and at times, they may give a total different impression to the reader.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 23, 2014   #3
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)
Finally, copy and paste your Essay into the Message box. You are asked to complete the full prompt with your essay.
As your readers, we need the full prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing, to give relevant and reliable feedback.

traditional music must be treasured more than the modern music . No once can deny the fact that international music is often more appealing and fun, but it is mainly due to a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people

Does the prompt ask you to discuss international/modern music? The answer sadly says 'No.'


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