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IELTS, nowadays it is more difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school.


agi 13 / 30 4  
Feb 13, 2014   #1
Please feel free to comment on my essay

If we look at our children's daily routine, it would be surprising that how much it is different from our time? Their time was tightly linked with technologies, that result in being heavily disturbed by them in return and poor performance at school. In this essay, i will examine the implications of computer and television on children's coursework and suggest a way to deal with it.

To begin with, there has been a considerable number of computer games and game applications. Since computer game is one of lucrative business, enterprises are enticing children as their customer and offering a various kind of games. As a consequence, children is addicted to the games and time children should spend on coursework is decreasing as time for playing increasing. For example, My younger brother and his classmate used to go to PC game center, that lead to poor grading at school. Furthermore, another main kind of disturbance is the television. Cartoons, children's programs and other television programs make children pay less a attention to their lessons because those are much interesting than lessons.

Key to tackle down that problems is directly dependence from parents. Parents should work with their children on the matter of schedule and help them to arrange time for both playing and learning. Moreover, Children should highly encouraged to understand the importance of school at their future life and dedicated to perform well at school.

In the conclusion, I am highly convinced that there are 2 kind of disturbance on children: computer game and television. Parent should seriously talk to their children about significance of lessons and help them to arrange timetable effectively.

dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Feb 13, 2014   #2
First, include the essay prompt in your essay so that we get a better understanding about it to provide you with more meaningful comments. Your topic title alone is not enough for that purpose :(

Their time wasis tightly linked with technologies, that result in being heavily disturbed by them in return and poor performance at school.

I think you need to improve the presentation of this idea. With this you are trying to introduce the issue to the reader. So, this is the most important part of your intro and it should be very very clear for the reader.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Feb 13, 2014   #3
You should include the full prompt whenever posting an essay because without it, it's hard for us to know whether some sentences are relevant or not to the topic.

it would be surprising that how much it is different from our time?

The question mark is inappropriate here and "how much it is different" should be replaced by "how different it is".

time children should spend on coursework is decreasing as time for playing increasing

Children would sacrifice their studying time for playing computer games.

that lead to poor grading at school

which led to some academic problems at school.
Don't use "that" after commas.

make children pay less a attention to their lessons

draw more attention from students than their lessons do.

directly dependence from parents

This part is confusing. Do you mean the solution to this problem depends of parents?

should be highly encouraged
Fardhani Putri 23 / 46 7  
Feb 14, 2014   #4
You should include the full prompt whenever posting an essay because without it, it's hard for us to know whether some sentences are relevant or not to the topic.

children is addicted to the games and time children should spend on coursework

... are

Key to tackle down that problems is directly dependence from parents.

..those

I am highly convinced that there are 2 kind of disturbance on children

..better if you write two

Parents should work with their children on the matter of schedule

ParentS should seriously talk to their children about significance of lessons

... you have to consistent, parents or parent
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 16, 2014   #5
hi, nice idea. It is understand enough for me.

First, include the essay prompt in your essay

and

You should include the full prompt whenever posting an essay

same as Dumi and MisterWandering taking prompt is useful to know what the prompt wants from ur writing.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Feb 16, 2014   #6
Key to tackle down that problems

... this sounds pretty awkward
"The key to tackle these problems " / "The key to address these problems" / "The key to solve these problems"

Key to tackle down that problems is directly dependence from parents.

.... this is a very very confusing sentence. It doesn't deliver any clear idea :(
Do you mean -
The key to solve these problems is having parents more involved with their children's affairs.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 3, 2014   #7
You have had very great commentaries :)

Here are a few details to work with your concluding paragraph

In the conclusion, I am highly convinced that there are 2 kind of disturbance on children: computer game and television. Parent should seriously talk to their children about significance of lessons and help them to arrange timetable effectively.

THE CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH
This has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1 a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)


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