Hi, I've just finished this essay. Please help me by pointing out my mistakes. Thank you.
Topic: In some part of the world, it is increasingly popular to research the history of one's own family. Why do people want to do this? Is it a positive or negative development?
People are interested in their ancestry
Searching family history is increasing in popularity in some regions. There could be several reasons for this and I consider it to be both positive and negative trend.
There are two reasons why people grow great interest in finding their family roots. First, the availability of several family searching websites has encouraged more people to do genealogy. These websites allow them to create family trees and find long distant relatives, which fascinate those who are inquisitive in their ancestors' origin. Tracking medical history is another reason. Some chronic diseases can be diagnosed in advance if people are aware of their family background. For example, by doing research on family history, ones not only prevent genetic disorders during their pregnancy but also have healthier babies.
On the one hand, doing genealogy can be extremely positive. As people gain insights into their ancestors' lives, they also learn about family's traditions and contributions, which helps to preserve family history. Additionally, family background awareness is of benefit to later generation because it can bridge the generation gap and form a stronger unity. On the other hand, the search of family history also results in negative consequences. There are some cultural practices that are better not knowing since they are inappropriate in present days. Should people to find out the dark sides of their family members, it can cause embarrassment or resentment. For example, many people find it hard to accept the fact that their ancestors were slave owners although the practice used to be legal in some countries.
In conclusion, the accessible of family related websites and medical purposes are the main reasons that lead to the rise of family history tracing. Genealogy certainly benefits family members; however, it also does harm to the ties of kinship.
Searching family history is
increasing in gaining popularity on the one hand, doing Genealogy...
...bridge the generational gap...
Stronger unity=stronger bond
From your second paragraph, last sentence, it's not clear as to what you're trying to say. If what you're saying is that knowing your roots prevents genetic disorders during pregnancy then you'll need to provide facts, I'm not sure how just knowing your family history can do that. Again you stated that there are two reasons why people research their families' history which contradicts your earlier statement in paragraph one which says there are several reasons.
I hope you find this useful
You've done a fairly good job on the essay. There are certainly many interesting ideas.
While most of the essay to it's entirety talk about the benefits of of this trend, the arguments you have put forward for the negative impact does'nt seem that powerful to me.
I would suggest that you talk in favor of the trend, but it's always well to show what the shortcomings are because it shows that you are flexible in your thinking.
My suggestion for the same para - Searching for our roots can sometimes lead to more anguish than joy. The hurtful practices of the past such as slave trade and racial discrimination of people practiced by many affluent families is one such example. While learning about the family history may dig up a few skeletons along the way, it surely lets future generations learn from this mistake and lead better lives. ( In the above statement I have spoken about the same shortcomings that you have put above but in addition I have added how it benefits the present generation as well. This helps it again in favor of the trend)
There are a few grammatical errors as well. I suggest you analyze the essay again and do the needful.
The conclusion paragraph can be a bit longer or presented in a better way.
Good Luck! :)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,364 3367
Khanh, this being your first IELTS task 2 essay, I will go easy on you by not scoring your work. Instead, I will tell you which portions of the required elements you got wrong and how you should correct it. This being a standardized test of the English language, there are certain parameters that are set for you which you cannot change.
The first of these parameters has to do with the first paragraph. Known as the opening paraphrase, you this is the part of the test that is used to determine your English comprehension skills. This paragraph is the basis of whether you will pass or fail the entire test. In this case, you will have failed the entire test due to a number of reasons.
A major reason for your failing has to do with the main requirement of this paragraph which is, the accurate restatement of the original prompt requirements using your own words. What you did was an immediate discussion of the prompt topic instead of an introduction for the reader. The more accurate representation of this paragraph would have been:
There is an increasing interest in learning the history of one's family in certain areas of the globe. While this trend is one that may be viewed as a negative by others, I view this as a positive trend. The reasons for my positive belief will be explained below.
When you paraphrase the prompt, you only need to represent the very same data that is within the original prompt requirement. The example I provided accomplishes that task.
The other major reason for the failure of this essay has to to with the Task Accuracy portion. There are specific instructions set forth in the essay that dictate how the discussion is to proceed. In this instance, you were asked to discuss the trend of genealogy as either a positive OR negative development. You were not asked to "Discuss both points of view" as you did in your essay. Such a mistake in tackling the essay instructions proves that your English comprehension skills are not yet at the level where you will be able to handle intricate instructions from a native English speaking professor or instructor. Your inability to respond accurately to the prompt instructions will result in an automatic failing score. The mistake in your opening paraphrase led you to discuss a different essay topic from the one provided. Therefore, while you did present body of paragraphs for discussion, the discussion was not proper in context and as such, cannot be judged for passing consideration based on the remaining scoring criteria for this test.
Based on these 2 major problem points, it would be in your best interest to focus your lessons on properly understanding how to discuss the various discussion presentations in an IELTS test. You can do that by reviewing the other IELTS tests on this site and learning from their discussion methods and advice coming from other users and contributors as well.
Do not feel disappointed or angry. Use this essay as the inspiration to make you do better with the next one. I am sure you will show improvement because, just like all the other students reviewing for their test here, you too will learn from your mistakes and apply the corrections accordingly.
Thank you for your word choice corrections. I'll fix those mistakes in my second draft. Hope you can correct my essay again if possible.
Thank you so much for your corrections, especially the sample paragraph. I'll apply the technique in my second draft and my next essay if possible.
As a self-learner, I highly appreciate your constructive and detailed feedback. I'll work on those mistakes. Hope you can correct my second draft for this topic.