My discovery of my love, Astronomy - for Stanford summer on intellectual vitality. critique required

Prompt

Stanford students are known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or experience that you found intellectually engaging

I know that death is the final destination, but I also believe that immortality exists. Newton and his apple will forever be immortal among our minds; same can be said about Einstein, Charles Darwin and his 'survival of the fittest' and Da Vinci with his Mona Lisa. And I believe that space and astronomy must define me whenever somebody looks back on my life. I wish to be remembered for unlocking the secrets of the universe.

Space travel and Astronomy has always been a fetish of mine. I hate and love the mysteries this universe presents us. My curiosity is fuelled by the wondrous spectacles, the elusive enigmas like Dark matter and energy.

I stumbled upon science as a little kid reading an ancient encyclopaedia that my dad bought when I was still in my mother's womb. I used to love all the stories of dinosaurs, the prehistoric man and the magnificent stars and planets. Some children are brought up on the little fairy tales while I was brought up on these stories that always seemed too good to be true. Ever since then I was a recognised bibliophile in my class. I had always liked astronomy and when an Astronomy program from Zlife education came to my school I was eager to join. That was in grade 9 when the program after some classes organized a Night sky observation tour in a camp just outside the city. That night when I peeped through a telescope, towards what seemed an insignificant star but instead witnessed the grandeur of Jupiter and its four moons the tiny little pinpricks near the big gas giant I knew I was in love with space. Seeing the nebulas and planets was dumbfounding. I knew I wanted to pursue my interest in astronomy and space.

I need critique on the composition of essay it is merely a first draft. I also need your views on whether the essay I have written does justice to the question prompt

Hi Ritvik, first of all, I must say that this is one intelligent prompt that deserves an intelligent essay. As I read your essay, I'm quiet puzzled, puzzled in a good way, your essay is a pack of everything, your life beliefs, the ups and downs, your academic background and aspirations and your ultimate goal.

If there's anything I have to say when you create your final work, try to keep the bold words, strong words that shows the real you and the stand you have for your future academic aspirations. Words such as 'like' should not be in essays like this, try words like, 'love' or 'share a passion with', this words are strong and depicts your stand on giving justice to this academic pursuit.

I hoe my insights help.

I would love more feedback guys?
Justin like really meant like as I didn't have lots passion for astronomy back then but that was completely changed as I experienced all the fun and beauty of astronomy and especially cosmology