Hi, I am learning IELTS, I come here to improve my writing skill which I have been painfully poor. thanks for helping.
THE WRITING IELTS TASK 2- THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of being famous.
We live in an age when the shiny lights from the professional digital cameras are too bright and the celebrities become more popular. There is an opinion that being famous can give a lot of advantages while others hold a different viewpoint about this matter. In my opinion, although there are some advantages to being a star, this career can affect a lot of people's lives.
On the one hand, there are a lot of benefits of being famous. Firstly, the relationships of stars will be prone to disaster because we all know that numerous influencers do not have time for their family and friends. This leads to them having a toxic environment and fake friends. What is more, this career can be paid unwanted attention such as anti fan criticising or stalkers and paparazzi who can follow you everywhere which make you feel annoyed and violate privacy. Additionally, there are also many depressions of being famous, because of a heavy schedule and intense work. The celebrities have to be perfect all the time to create a good public image and they eventually have to compete with others for the spotlight. Everyday, influencers have to face a lot of problems. That is why everyone asserts that showbiz is so dramatic and complicated.
On the other hand, being famous also provides some advantages. In specific, normal people can easily turn into the rich when they are superstars. Moreover, they become stunning with flashy clothing, they can go to different places of interest and so on. Furthermore, the celebrities have the special treatment, they can earn a lot of loves from fan and live with protected life.
In conclusion, although there are plentiful positive aspects that come with being famous individual. One can not overlook the major drawbacks that come with it.
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The opening sentence would have better served the presentation had it been used as the introduction to the personal opinion instead. It would not have been seen by the examiner as a mispositioned personal opinion in the paragraph. Being incorrectly presented means it will result in a deduction in terms of task accuracy since the writer's opinion cannot be merged with the original topic restatement. That aspect should remain pure, without any added or unnecessary information influencing it based on the writer's opinion or wish to create a flowery opening statement. The restatement should be adherent to the original presentation topic. Having read the writer's opinion, I know that the sentence I refer to would have helped increased the accuracy score of the essay had the sentence been located there instead. By the way, the writer spoke of the advantage in his opinion but forgot to introduce a disadvantage topic. That means he did not completely refer to the guide questions. As such, the restatement + opinion paragraph will not get complete scoring points.
Try not to use the phrase "and so on" when discussing any topic. It does not mean anything and refers only to the writer's laziness to properly close a sentence or paragraph. The disadvantage discussion is not well developed. It lacks the same writing elements as the previous paragraph. It could have been better written had the writer paid attention to actually developing that paragraph based on the score increasing potential it had.