Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

IELTS Task 2: Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug

just_writer 24 / 42 5  
Oct 16, 2017   #1
People in all modern societies use drugs, but today's youth are experimenting with both legal and illegal drugs, and at an increasingly early age. Some sociologists claim that parents and other members of society often set a bad example.

Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug use by young people in modern day society. Make any recommendations you feel are necessary to help fight youth drug abuse.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

drugs are everywhere

in today society, there are a lot of drugs, both legal and illegal, and the problem is that the starting age of using drugs is decreasing constantly, in this essay we will discuss the causes and effects of using drugs in younger generation.

In older times. people always used home remedies to cure their sicknesses, when i was younger, we rarely used drug for a simple headache, but nowadays, the first answer to any kind of health problem is a pain killer. it could be parents fault for drug abuse in home which could set bad example.

Another reason could be laws in different countries, there are some drugs that are legal in one country and illegal in another one. when people see that a drug is legal in one country, think to him/her self that it could not be dangerous at all.

From other side, the governments can help preventing use of drug, there must be a lot of advertisements and announcements which shows younger generation that it is a bad habit to use drugs and shows them the right path.

From my experience, in my own country, drugs are available everywhere, government must control it because if young people see drugs every day and watch people using it, they would not scare of it anymore and it becomes typical.

to recapitulate, using drugs is a bad habit of today's generation, they start using it when they are young, and ruin their future before they even have a chance to know wrong and right. I think the society must stay together and help each other to stop this bad habit.

Thanks in advanced.
hiimsandra 5 / 7 3  
Oct 17, 2017   #2

The essay lacks of coherence and conjunction, which can help your sentence more relative and logical.
You can try to use "First of all", "Secondly" for the opening of paragraph 2,3. And use " In conclusion, ", " By way of conclusion" at the last paragraph.

The total paragraph should shorten to four paragraph.
The proportion of each paragraph should be 2:4:4:1.

The amount of words is far lower then 250 words, you cannot get pretty score due to this basic discipline.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,635 3478  
Oct 17, 2017   #3
You have a total word count of 271 run on sentences in an essay that should be composed of at least 250 individual sentences located in 5 paragraphs. The composition of the essay is the main problem. You do not know how to form coherent topical sentences. You prefer to present interconnected thoughts which create incoherent statements. As such, there is a lack of total cohesiveness in the overall presentation. In addition to that, your prompt paraphrase is partially plagiarized and incomplete in its presentation of discussion topics and instructions. This essay feels like you just wrote it to "get it over with" there is no sense of you actually trying to apply any language and writing lessons you might have learned from your preparation classes. Look at how you formed the sentences, you did not even care to capitalize the first work of every new sentence, which is the most basic English grammar rule. I am not sure if you were just careless or you have no idea how to properly develop and write an essay. I strongly suggest that you look for better written examples online and at this forum so that you may have some examples and guidance in relation to your writing your next practice essay.
Chi Han 3 / 4 2  
Oct 17, 2017   #4
Hi just_writer,

Here are some correction for your essay.

in today society, ... In today's society, ...

...., when Iwas younger, ... You can put the period before this sentence, or the sentence will be too long.
Capitalize I and the first letter of the first word in the sentence. Pay more attention to avoid these simple mistakes.

It is better to use On the other side rather than From other side

Hope it helps~
OP just_writer 24 / 42 5  
Oct 17, 2017   #5
Hello Holt, and also thanks for your contributions, I have a question though...

to capitalize the first work of every new sentence

I heard that it is not important to capitalize letters in IELTS exam, is that wrong?
AliminHamzah 6 / 9 4  
Oct 18, 2017   #6
you're writing is not full chaotic, such as you used several correct grammar and you wrote more than 250 words at least. on the other hand, you have many paragraphs, and you have to have minimum 3 sentences for one paragraph actually. your main ideas each paragraph is not clear, even more your introduction is abstruse. make it clear with opening information from your essay. the last, in your conclusion is not describe all of your essay and you have to give well-suggestion in your closing statement. so that, your essay will be more utilize buddy.

okay, I hope it help.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug