Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
technology makes people less "sociable"
Opinions differ as to whether new technology is causing a lack of sociability to its users in modern days. In my view, I believe technology is, in fact, making people less sociable.
To begin with, it is understandable why people say that high technology would get individuals more connected. One reason is that, with the help of the internet, distance is no longer a barrier when it comes to socialization. In fact, since the launch of online networking platforms such as Facebook and Snapchat, online users have been enabled to expand their connections to friends who are living in other regions. Furthermore, technology may cultivate individuals to keep searching for more friends. With a few simple clicks, people could find someone who shares the same interests and start chatting about their hobbies immediately. This way, users would become more interested and they will try to interact with more people.
However, I side with those who think that modern technology is damaging individuals' sociability. While it helps create a broader environment for meeting friends, relying too much on technology will result in weaker social skills. Indeed, due to less verbal communication, more and more people are now afraid of real-life talking. For instance, many millennials who are addicted to social networks nowadays could not seem to maintain an interesting and long conversation to others in actual business or social meetings. In addition, technology users have a tendency to only pay attention to their high-end gadgets and completely ignore face-to-face contact with other walkers on the streets. These issues have vastly decreased individuals' confidence in terms of verbal communication and made them disconnected to their peers and opportunities to make friends.
In conclusion, while new technology has an intention to get people more connected, it is adversely decreasing people's socialization abilities in real life situations, thus, making them less sociable.
About your introduction part, you have a quite good paraphrase but I'm afraid that you forgot to outline what you are going to write. For example, 'this essay will discuss both views and state my own position'.
I think you should add more in your conclusion. I mean you have to summary both views and then state your opinions.
Also, I think the language you used in the essay is quite informal.
I am just an IELTS learner, I hope my advice can help you a little!
Phan, each type of essay has a specific number of reasoning paragraphs to present in the body of the essay. When the essay requests you to discuss both opinions and provide a personal opinion, the reasoning paragraph presentation is done within 3 paragraph. Each paragraph represents:
Point of View 1
Point of View 2
Your personal opinion should not be merged with one of the two points of view as your personal opinion should show a consideration of both given discussion points prior to your siding with one of the given viewpoints. An additional error that you created was that you immediately presented your personal opinion in the prompt paraphrase. Since this is not a direct question essay, an immediate response located in the paraphrase section is not required. Rather an outline of the discussion instruction should be presented as the final sentence in this section.
Save for these 2 mistakes, I have to say that you would have had a very well discussed essay that could be considered for at least a passing score had it followed the correct presentation format. I hope to see improvements to your work with your upcoming practice tests. Keep writing, you can only get better.