Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Discuss The Effects of Unplanned Urban Expansion


eminhaqi 4 / 7  
Jul 17, 2016   #1
Nowadays, it is clearly visible that many cities are grownig exponentially. However this growth leads to numerous issues, such as overcrowding, crime and unemployment.

Firstly, overcrowding is a problematic issue for urban expansion because it can cause other issues like crime, umempoyment and homelessness. For instance, since 2005, the population of Istanbul has increased with people migrating from villages. However most of these people could not find work and, therefore, earn money. So that, they could not find accommadation and crime has increased.

Secondly, urban expansion causes adverse effects within social services such as education and health. For instance, as a result of war in Syria, four million Syrians migrated to Turkey. For example, quala was eradicated in Turkey a few years ago. However because of migration, a number of quala cases have remersed expeditiously. Also, many students are unable to continue with their education due to a lower quata.

All of these points show us that urban expansion is such a danger for the majority. If we implement this, we should absoulutely have prior plans in place.

How can I improve my essay? It is only 180 words. It should be more longer than this.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 17, 2016   #2
Emin, you need to remember to write a proper title for this essay whether it is IELTS, TOEFL, or any other types of essays. However, I assume that this is an IELTS essays because of the similar discussions which displayed below your essay. I also understand that you were quite confused about what should you write because you didn't fulfill the minimum words limit of TASK 2 properly. Your essay was only 178 words.

Therefore, I would like to give you some tips related to how to compose an IELTS task 2 essay.

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
1st sentence - paraphrase the question by using synonyms and your own words
2nd sentence - give a thesis statement
3rd sentence - give outline about the thesis statement

2nd paragraph (body paragraph 1):
1st sentence - give one idea
2nd sentence - give a reason WHY this idea is true
3rd sentence - give an example of it
4th sentence - say what the implications / effects of this example are
5th sentence - conclude the paragraph

3rd paragraph (body paragraph 2):
1st sentence - give one idea
2nd sentence - give a reason WHY this idea is true
3rd sentence - give an example of it
4th sentence - say what the implications / effects of this example are
5th sentence - conclude the paragraph

4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
1st sentence - paraphrase the thesis statement in your introduction paragraph by using synonyms and your own words
2nd sentence - give some personal opinions, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the issue

I am sure that by following the tips above, you can reach more than 250 words. 15 sentences (combination of simple and complex sentences) would reach the minimum words limit of 250 words. Therefore, you can upload the revision of your essay below my feedback. Good luck for that :)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jul 18, 2016   #3
Hi Emin, upon reading your essay, I must say that it almost feel like you are very hesitant in writing it, like you are unsure of the inputs that you have in your project, but of course, I cannot blame you, as English is not your mother tongue, you will really be feeling this way. However, you need to be confident in your writing projects, this will be felt by your readers and being confident will take your projects and yourself along way.

Now, to better understand my observations, we start with this sentence;

- It is only 180 words. It should be more longer than this. - you see, "longer" is like saying a lot more length, so "more longer", is redundant )

2nd paragraph
- Firstly , overcrowding is a problematican - like crime, umempoyment and homelessnessunemployment and housing .
- increased withdue to people migrating from villages.
- and, therefore, they are not able to earn money. So that, they could not find accommadation and crime has increased.- this sentence is not necessary

There you have it Emin, this is just the first leg of the modifications, I will get back to assist you further. I hope the modifications are useful.
bbcheesecake14 10 / 14  
Aug 19, 2016   #4
hii, here is my correction ;)

grownig >> growing
umempoyment >> unemployment
accommadation >> accommodation
however,
absoulutely >> absolutely

thats all, thanksss


Home / Writing Feedback / Discuss The Effects of Unplanned Urban Expansion