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Discuss the extent to which you agree or not with the recommendation of increase spending on art

Jun 10, 2016   #1
Issue : Governments should invest as much in the arts as they do in the military. GRE essay prompt

Task : Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position

PLEASE CRITIC MY ESSAY: How much I am abiding to the task and about the sentences in the essay
The investment of the government should be to keep its subject sound and healthy both culturally and politically. For this an ideal government should be enthusiastic in encouraging its arts forms as much as in the military.

The stability of a government depends on its military and defense, especially when at the time of attacks from outside the country. But the stability of government means, the mental and physical peace of its subjects and society. For societies of the nation to flourish, arts have its inevitable position.

Arts are created for the progress of human creativity and imagination for the improvement of a society. These art forms enhance the inter relation between societies and countries and even its own citizens. For example , a national art form like a music have its own strength of influence in keeping the inter relationship of the people with in nation and outside nation since music is enjoyed by all people across race, class, and nationality.

Quiet often military come in play when a relation between a nation to nation or society to a society is deteriorated. And a military interference is always associated with violence and pandemonium and wide scale destruction. Prolonged period of famine or distress can occur. For example when a war between India and Pakistan, the people of both side suffered a lot, especially, those in the border side, lost their loved ones , some divided, others gone orphan or widows. But these situations could be avoided if a better international relation was in place, here in case the dispute over the Kashmir land. If a strong cultural relation was in place between these people they could come in a table and discuss several matters and settle before the first gun to murder a human being.

Here the people of India and Pakistan are ethnically similar and a lot of art forms could bind them are brothers. For example their traditional art forms and daces could have able to intermingle these people like brothers and sisters keeping away the way of arm for dispute at far.

So to conclude, one country should invest in arts since, it can keep the society in unity, and further avoid the unnecessary use of military.

akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
Jun 11, 2016   #2
Hello Robin, it is a pleasure to read your essay. You address the prompt clearly in this essay. Furthermore, I found that the flow between the ideas is well-written. To improve this essay better, you may consider the following inputs:

"For this, an ideal government.."
"..the inter relation.." it should be interrelation
"Quiet often Military come in play quite often when a relation.."
"And a military interference is.." How if you replace the word "And" with other transition signals to make your essay more academic, for example: "furthermore, moreover, in addition.

"For example, when.." I read that you use "for example" quite often. You can use another transitional phrase, such as "for instance". Also, please put a comma after the transitional phrases.

As you can see Robin, I suggest you to pay attention to the punctuation. This looks simple but it is vital to one's writing. In addition, try to use varieties of diction. This will make your essay looks better. But you must check in the thesaurus and dictionaries whether the word is appropriate to the context and its pair or not. Hope these help you. Keep writing and stay positive :D
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 29, 2016   #3
Hi Robin, I hope the suggestions below are still helpful to your essay.

- HereT he people of India
- could bind them areas brothers.
- For example their tT raditional art
- forms and daces - (I'm not sure what you mean by this particular words, believe me, I looked it up and I'm not able to read anything or any meaning, please enlighten us with this )

- could have able to intermingled
- keeping away the way of arm for dispute at far. ( this particular phrase is not as meaningful as I thought it would be, what do you mean or rather, what are you trying to say on this part of the essay )

- So toTo conclude,
- one country should invest in arts sinceas ,
- it can keep the society in unityunited ,
- and further avoid the unnecessary use of military forces .

There you have it Robin, as you can see there's quiet a lot of work to be done in your essay specially for the last two paragraphs of your essay, I believe this is because, you have the ideas on how to approach your essay but you are having a hard time expressing them in the English language. Practice, practice, practice.

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