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DISCUSS- If living in a country where you have to speak different language can cause social problems

This is a practice of IELTS writing task.Thank you for your suggestions.
Completed subject: Living in a country where you have to speak different language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems. Agree or Disagree?

living abroad and speaking a new language

Immigrating to another country or studying abroad where people speak different language is more widespread in recent years, and many countries become multicultural in this way. Some people argue that it will cause serious social and practical problems. However, as far as I am concerned, the country where lots of people come from different countries and speak different languages has many advantages rather than it is a problem- making issue.

First of all, population diversity is definitely positive, and it makes the country active. People who are living in the country where he/she has to speak a new language would be more knowledgeable because the people know one more language skills and cultures. People like this usually bring fresh blood to the society, particularly they are valuable for many international businesses. For example, if Canadian companies are going to expand business to Thailand, they have to deeply understand the culture of Thailand. Thus, companies would like to welcome and hire people who are living in Canada but originally come from Thailand before they actually expand. Although culture conflict might be happened, the company or country can take advantage of diversity instead of escaping it.

In addition, some people argue that living in a country where they have to speak a new language is one of the reasons of suffering discrimination which is another social problem all the time since they believe it seems soft aggression. However, it can be resolved by companies, governments, institutions and individuals by implementing serious policies, rules and anti-discrimination laws. For instance, in Canada, if an employer treats workers who has English accents differently with people who speak English frequently, it can be seen "Language Discrimination", and the employer will get punished as long as workers claim it.

In conclusion, advantages of living in a country and speaking a new language are obviously more than disadvantages such as some possible social and practical problems. It will be dominant and reasonable once all individuals in the society, like employers and governments, take combined efforts on dealing with these problems due to the diversity.

Hi, @Ann777

I'll try to give you some feedback, however consider that I am not an expert or a mother-tongue speaker, I am studying to do the IELTS too, in few months.

that it this will cause ...

the a country ... different countries (repetition of the same world in the same sentence, you could substitute with cultures)

has many advantages rather than it is a problem- making issue (not clear the construction, you could simply say "has more advantages that disadvantages")

... where he/she has to speak --> It is always also my doubt, anyone else in the forum who knows if there is a rule? Should we use "he", "she" or, as Ann has written, "he/she"?

... conflict might be happened happen

... accents differently with frompeople who speak

In addition there are some passage that are not fully clear to me, e.g.,:
- It makes the country active --> Active in doing what?
- It will be dominant and reasonable --> What will be dominant and reasonable?
- some people argue that living in a country where they ... --> It is difficult to follow the flow of the sentence. I would have written something as "... in a country in which they have to speak a new language has made them subject to social problems such as discrimination, considered like a soft aggression." --> Again do not take my suggestion as 100% correct, it could contain some mistakes too

Hope it will be helpful, good luck with the study ;)
May 18, 2018   #3
Shuotong, this essay will get a failing score from the get-go. It does not appropriately paraphrase the original prompt, nor does it respond to the discussion question in a thesis statement form. The opening paragraph indicates information that is not found in the original prompt and uses terms such as "argue" when the original prompt refers to a "discussion". Please remember that the first paragraph is a paraphrase of the original prompt and therefore, should represent the original information as closely as possible, without using the same terms as the original. However, it should not include information not included in the original prompt either. In this instance, the phrase " or studying abroad" was not indicated in the original prompt and should therefore, not be presented in the paraphrase. You were also asked to agree or disagree and you did not respond to that question as your thesis statement. Due to the mistake in the TA section of this essay, it will be extremely difficult for this essay to pass in the actual setting. It is important that you improve your English comprehension skills so that you will properly understand what the question in the prompt is and what the discussion instruction expects you to present in the essay. Read the examples here for reference if you are studying alone. There are several excellent examples of properly executed essays here. Most notably, you can learn a lot from the sample of LadyofClockWork whose IELTS essays are hitting the highest possible marks in the practice tests. Use the search function to find her work and learn from those. In this instance, let me give you an example of a properly developed prompt opening statement.

There is a belief that when a person lives in a country that speaks an alternate language, the person living there can encounter difficulties. These people also experience other sorts of difficult situations because of the language barrier. I tend to disagree with this opinion for a number of reasons.

For the prompt paraphrase, always accomplish the following:
1. Restate the topic sentence
2. Explain the reason for the topic
3. Give your thesis statement in the manner indicated by the instruction

An effective prompt paraphrase may be completed in as little as 3 complete sentences.

As for the body of discussion, you need to have a sense of continuity in the paragraph transitions. If you are counting off, you cannot go from "First of all" to "In addition" as that shows a lack of sentence development skills. Use transition sentences instead for the body discussion so that you can use more English vocabulary instead of English counting methods. Specially when you cannot use it continuously in the essay. Aim to use transition sentences instead. That means, introduce the next paragraph at the end of the previous paragraph. Then use a topic sentence in relation to the previous introduction to kick off the next sentence. That will allow you to use more relevant English words and develop better paragraph structures in the presentation.

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