Mr/Ms. Holt, I write new essay. Please let me know any thing I need to improve,
which sentence contains incorrect grammar or shouldn't be written or it is not related to the prompt?
is the conclusion better?
The risk at sports
Some people think governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think it is people's freedom to do whatever sports activities they choose. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Sports involving a high degree of risk are one of the attractive physical activities which have been appealing to many fans. Many people claimed that authorities should not allow people to take part in these games, while others disagree with this idea. However, I believe that these activities should not be banned
On the one hand, governments have to ban dangerous games since these ones have a potential risk which players cannot control well. These games require people to have professional skills such as diving, jumping, so forth and practice them in many times. If people cannot meet these requirements, dangerous actions negatively affects on them. Take freediving as an example, to play this game, a gamer should be a diving expert, not an amateur and he needs to know his health condition to be sure the water's pressure not to cause his heart to stop beating. Therefore, to prevent individuals from the death caused by these sports games, authorities require people not to participate in them.
On the other hand, I argue in favour of the view that harmful sports are only a professional players' choice. People who take part in these actions are experts, they will do things others are afraid of such as jumping from a helicopter or a high mountain. Before doing activities in the outside environment, experts have practiced in harmless places, thus they can manage their actions and conditions. Moreover, they can discover many new places and make various pictures of these views. As a result, we can know more parts of the world where we will never go to.
In my opinion, politicians just need to alert people to be careful when playing these games. Comparing with driving carelessly on the streets, they are not as a serious problem as causing people's injuries to be limited
To conclude, there is a beneficial effect on prohibiting harmful sports. However, I strongly contend that playing these games is an individual's choice which the government cannot restrict
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,670 4112
In your reasoning paragraphs, you cannot start the second presentation with "I argue" because you have yet to present the second public point of view reasoning discussion. Whether you support it or not, you have to use a third person point of view at this point. You can only present your agreement int he 3rd reasoning section, which is your personal point of view discussion. You cannot have two personal points of view. Analyze the essay discussion requirement, it asks you to discuss both points of view (public) and then your personal (private) point of view so the statement format for the reasoning presentation is:
- Public 1
- Public 2
Additionally, these essays are never debates or arguments. These are just discussions so do not use inflammatory terms such as "argue or debate". Simply indicate that you support or agree with the previous paragraph because (present your discussion topic). Elaborate on your reason within that paragraph. You do not need 2 paragraphs to do that. You end up writing the essay in the wrong format. Always count the discussion paragraphs and write it based on the points of view that need to be presented on an individual basis.
Use topic sentences to start your paragraphs instead of filler phrases like "on the one hand" or "on the other hand". These work well towards fulfilling the word count, but does not help to deliver a clearer explanation or a cohesive discussion. An example of your direct topic sentence is:
Governments have to ban dangerous games since these ones have a potential risk which players cannot control well.
Use a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph to help create a cohesive / connected transition from one paragraph to the next. For example. The previous paragraph could have ended with:
However, people who have been trained to participate in these sports should be able to safely perform the dangerous activities.
That sentence alone connects the existing paragraph to the next which you started with the connected discussion topic:
People who take part in these actions are experts...
Do you see how the transition sentence in the previous paragraph clearly indicates the transition to the next discussion topic? That is the coherence that the examiner will be looking for in your writing. The ability to properly reflect the connection between reason 1 and reason 2.
Additionally, your 3rd reasoning paragraph is too short. It does not contain a properly developed explanation and does not really prove a point. This happened because you tried to present 2 personal points of view, when only one is required.
The concluding paragraph is lacking in content. You gave a personal opinion without doing the following first:
- A 2nd version of the topic restatement
- A presentation of the 2 public pov
- Closing with a restatement of your personal point of view
As of now, I am focusing solely on the format errors in your essay for now because you need to make sure that you have the proper essay response presentation before anything else is considered. All the other grammar and vocabulary errors can wait to be corrected. We need to focus on your English comprehension skills first, clarity of your discussion second, and everything else third. The last part, the grammar and LR sources, are the least of your problems .