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IELTS - an essay discussed about who should take the responsibility for education


daniel_chen 1 / 3 2  
Jan 12, 2016   #1
(Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.)

If one of the purposes of education is to tell children how to be good members of society, then it should not be restricted only in home or in school. In other words, both parents and teachers are responsible for children's education.

Parents assume the prior responsibility for next generations' education. Every parent expects his or her children to be vital and beneficial parts of society, so parents have the strongest incentive and willingness to educate their children. What is more, they are able to achieve that. In most cases, parents are the people who children spend most of their time with, and it is natural for children to imitate and learn words and behaviors from their parents. Therefore, it would never be too strict to require parents to be well-behavior and to guide their children.

However, this does not mean younger generations' education could be completely relied on parenting education. Fostering awareness of laws, for example, is a kind of education should not be replaced by others but schools. There are excellent teachers who have received formal and professional training to explain rules and regulations. So it would be effective for students to attend law lectures in school to learn how to conform regulation of the society. Meanwhile, some parents may be busy in working to support their families, and school teaching is an efficient supplement for children's education.

In conclusion, my view is that not only parents should educate children in home, but also should teachers guide children in classes. Both types of education are helpful for children to become prominent parts of society.

I really appreciate your help!

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 12, 2016   #2
The introduction lacks a complete restatement of the prompt question and the presentation of both opinions before you stated your personal opinion. Keep those errors in mind when you work on your next practice essay. The introduction is the basis of the whole essay and can garner you the highest possible consideration for marks because it showcases all the important English skills upfront. Overall though, the essay is pretty solid and delivers the required discussion.

One more piece of advice, your personal opinion is to be discussed as a stand alone paragraph. It is not part of the conclusion. The conclusion should be used to close the discussion. It not an avenue for introducing new ideas for discussion. So you need to fix the introduction and conclusion of this essay. The body of paragraphs are acceptable and academic enough to pass consideration.

I suggest that you revise the problem points of the essay before I delve into the editing of the grammar content. The essay has the potential to be very good. So let's see if you can get it to that point.
OP daniel_chen 1 / 3 2  
Jan 12, 2016   #3
Thanks a lot! Your suggestion is really timely and useful! I will modify it following your suggestion!
OP daniel_chen 1 / 3 2  
Jan 13, 2016   #4
Hi Vangiespen! Below is the modified essay. I am really grateful if you have free time and put forward your suggestions about this essay, and I will strive to modify it to that "point".

It is widely accepted that the education received since childhood largely decide whether a child could make contributions to the society. So people always debate about who should take the responsibility, the school or the parents. My view is that parents assume the prior responsibility for teaching children how to behavior well and the school teaching assists students to conform the regulations. [..]
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 14, 2016   #5
Good work Lee! I knew that giving you a chance at a do-over would allow you to better develop your skills. Now remember, in an actual IELTS test, you don't get a do-over so make sure that when you write the succeeding practice tests, you do your best to get it right the first time. That said, let me commend you on the improvement that you have shown in your comprehension and writing skills in the second version of your essay. My job now, will be to show you how language enhancement can help you improve your writing skills.

... education received since IN EARLY childhood largely decideS whether a child could CAN make contributions to the society.
My view is that parents assume the prior responsibility for teaching children how to behavior BEHAVE well...
school teaching assists students to BY ENSURING THEY UNDERSTAND WHY THEY NEED TO conform TO the regulations.

... his or her children to be A vital and beneficial parts MEMBER of society, s...
What is WHAT'S more, they are able to

However, this does not mean THAT THE younger generations' GENERATION'S education could SHOULD be completely relied GIVEN TO THE PARENTS on parenting education .
... kind of education should not be replaced by others BE DONE BY PARENTS BUT but BY schools.
...effective and valuable supplement for THE next generation's moral education to teach them to obey the rules of society through CLASS lectures.

... parents to become great examples of FOR their children, educating them ABOUT how to get alone ALONG with others
. ... which facilitates them THEIR better adapting to the social regulations.
OP daniel_chen 1 / 3 2  
Jan 14, 2016   #6
It is really much better than before! I will learn from this and make more practice! Thanks for your time again buddy!


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