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A discussion has been ongoing regarding the development of roads and railways

sfiza 17 / 28  
Dec 3, 2017   #1
please evaluate my essay.

It will be grateful if you give separate band for each criteria. like TR, CC, LR, and Crammer.

please correct my punctuation, suggest me some sentence structure that boost my score.

Governments should spend more money on railways rather than roads.
To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Cambridge 11)

railways need to be more funded

Nowadays, it is argued/ urged that more fund should be allocated on railway system than roads by states. I totally agree that railways need to be more funded. In this essay, I will discuss the contribution of rails to the nations compared to roads to draw my conclusion.

Investing in high-speed rails is an important aspect of development of a country. Such moods allow passengers to spend less time in commuting, while roadways are time-intensive in terms of speed. In China, to illustrate, most cities are connected with trains, and this reduces commuting times by half, allowing people to spend more time in a productive way that ensure the sustainable progress of the societies. For this reason, the investment on rails must be preferable.

In addition, it is evident that railways offer cheapest fair then cars or buses. Such fair not only encourages people to travel, but help also transport goods; thus it is considered as a dominant ways in order for economical growth to boost. For example, Indian Government recently unveiled plans to connect port cities by trains; this will reduce transporting cost by half, allowing transporting goods by it.

Furthermore, to control toxic substance, eco-friendly rail transportation is inevitable. This can carry many passengers and hundreds tones of goods, that way it saves energy relatively. In Dhaka City, an instance, its first underground metro service will be soon opened; this will reduce the number of vehicles on the road resulting in a decline in carbon footprint.

To conclude, Despite of popularity of roadways, railways should be preferred considering its long-term effect on societies. For this effect, it is meritorious to allocate more capital towards this field. I completely agree that modern trains are needed to be funded more than roads.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Dec 3, 2017   #2
Hi Fiza, let me give a few of improving suggestions.
Actually, your writing is a good job, but you have still needed improvement especially your flow. Firstly, it is better if you merge your second and third sentences in the introduction so that you can produce the good transition and the complex sentence.

"I totally agree that railways need to be more funded because of the contribution of the mode to the nations more compared to roads".

For your body paragraph, you are supposed to check your sentences more times. Make sure that what you think is what you write. I have found that there are a few sentences different from your ideas. I guess you only deliver the words inappropriately so that changing the meaning is in your mind. In your second body paragraph, you should rearrange your sentences. You displayed your reason first before your idea, so readers get difficult to understand your idea. I suppose that your idea in the second one is the efficiency of trade cost.

For your third body, your supporting sentences are still weak. Even it presented incoherence. Honestly, you made a smart step because you separate your ideas into 3 body paragraphs.However, you have to strengthen your idea each paragraph. pay attention more to your coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Hopefully, my notes can improve your writing skill.
GOOD LUCK for your test.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,164 2308  
Dec 3, 2017   #3
fiZa, Actually, in the scoring procedure for IELTS, you are asked to represent only your understanding of the prompt and the discussion instructions without an offer of your opinion in the opening sentence. That is because you are only allowed 5 sentences per paragraph. The opinion should not be presented there because you cannot fully explain it due to sentence limitations. You will be scored lower for that mistake in presentation. That sort of thesis opinion in the opening sentence presentation is for TOEFL, not IELTS essays. If you take the advice given above, that will be your downfall. I am not just an IELTS and TOEFL top-notcher, I am an IELTS and TOEFL tutor with a 100 % passing rate for both tests among my students. My IELTS students always pass with a perfect score of 9. It's your choice.

You are showing 2 different prompt discussion types in your essay by saying "argued / urged". That is not even an option in the presentation. You are exaggerating your presentation and that is not going to help you improve the presentation nor get you a higher score. Restate only what is in the prompt. Do not add non-existent information. You are presenting 2 different types of essay discussions, neither of which is supported by the original prompt presentation. Neither which also, will you using for your discussion paragraphs. The correct paraphrase for this essay is:

A discussion has been ongoing regarding the development of roads and railways. While some believe that the government budget on infrastructure should be spent mostly on roads, others believe that an increased budget should be given to the development of railways. I totally agree with the previous statement. I will be presenting my reasons for my total support in the paragraphs below.

You must only offer a direct response to the question posed, without offering reasons because the paragraph format due to previously mentioned reasons. You will be scored lower in the TA and C&C sections if you do that. If it is not part of the prompt question or requirements, then it should not be in the opening paragraph.

I will grant that your paragraphs do not contain perfect English grammar. However, you show the ability to be able to express your thoughts coherently when given the opportunity to do so. Your transition sentences are placed properly and allow for a continued reading from paragraph to paragraph. Use of the transitional words such as "In addition" and "Furthermore", which you did perfectly in this essay will help to further increase your GRA score as well. Just make sure that you stop using filler phrases like "to illustrate" and "For example". You must always state your information as facts rather than "possibilities" which is what these filler phrases do. You have to project a confidence in your English written skills by delivering an authoritative voice each time.

Aside from this problem, the rest of your essay shows that you have the ability to pass the actual test. I would like you to focus on improving your paraphrasing skills at this point since that is the only remaining problem with your essay development.

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