effects of TV, video or computer games on kids
With the ever-increasing use of TV and video games, many people subscribe to the view that this trend has a positive influence on children's knowledge. Yet, the idea meets with opposition from those who claim that spending time on TV and computer games brings harm to adolescents. This essay will elaborate on both perspectives, and I believe that this trend may not affect the development of children as exaggerated.
On the one hand, it is understandable why many children devote the quality of their time playing games and watching TV. As for education potentials, there is a wide variety of educational programs appearing daily on the TV. As a result, children may have a chance to access a variety of information through some programs such as scientific breakthroughs, space exploration, and medicine. Moreover, video games have consistently been proven to enable game players to promote cooperation, creativity, and problem-solving skills, which contributes to better academic performance. For example, while playing Pubg, children can plan to win against their opponent.
However, many people claim that playing games is detrimental to teenagers. Firstly, checking their phones or laptops is far more preferred to spending quality time with parents, which may widen the generation gap, causing conflicts among relatives. Secondly, they may spend endless hours surfing the Internet, playing video games rather than taking part in other physical activities, which results in an early sedentary lifestyle and children's suffering from obesity, diabetes, and heart diseases.
In conclusion, while I recognize some negative effects of using TV and video or computer games, I claim this trend as positive one
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Your prompt paraphrase was almost correct. The problem came in the last sentence, where there should have been 2 instead of one representative discussion presentation. If you notice, the sentence does not flow properly. There are 2 unrelated ideas being presented in that sentence which made it confusing and incorrect. While you were right to say that the essay would consider both perspectives, the statement about the negative development, which is a personal opinion, should have been presented as a stand alone sentence. It is different in idea presentation from the other 2 so it cannot be combined with the other sentence that had 2 related discussion points. In effect, you created a confusing presentation that would have made it difficult for the reader to follow your flow of thought.
The essay is missing your personal opinion paragraph. Using this format, you should have created a personal opinion paragraph before the conclusion. The personal opinion is never part of the concluding paragraph because the concluding paragraph will not allow you to further discuss the opinion that you have. It will create an open ended essay, which means you did not really focus on properly developing your reasoning presentation. It could help lower your overall score instead of helping to increase it.