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IELTS Writing task 2: Discussion essay about "wild animals"

legendark 2 / 4 1  
Sep 14, 2020   #1

wild animals protection

Question: Some people believe that all wild animals should be protected. Others say that only a few wild animals should be protected. Discuss both views and give your opinion ?

My writing is below. I have just started to revise for IELTS test so please give feedback to help me improve. I am very appreciated all of your support.

People have different views about the quantity of wild animals should be kept safe. While the protection of all wild animals is considerably ideal to several people, I do believe that only certain kinds of wild animals should be protected.

On the one hand, animal slaughter is the violation to animal rights based on religious beliefs of several people. Besides, preservation of all wild animals will ensure the terrestrial and aquatic biodiversity on the planet. It is also a practice to maintain the balance in the food chains. For example, snakes and rats are in the similar food chains, and if we eradicate any one group of two wild species, discrepancy in this chain will be formed, and present unanticipated consequences for other chains in the future. Therefore, I believe that educational programs about love to animals and awareness in animal protection, should be fostered in teaching system.

On the other hand, most of the authorities struggle to secure enough funding for the conservation of all wild animals. Instead of that, the prevalence of resources will be reallocated to other imperative issues such as: poverty, health care, etc. Besides, several wild animals are dangerous, and therefore they could bring serious consequence to human and other species. For example, rats usually find their food in filthy environment so they can carry deadly diseases and transmit to human when people can not pursue their quantity management. In my opinion, governments should invest in a national zoo that specifically preserve invaluable wild animals, especially endangered ones.

In conclusion, I can understand why many people support the idea to protect all wild animals, but it seems to me that the preservation of several wild animals is much more desirable at this moment.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,923 3562  
Sep 15, 2020   #2
You need to have a more complex restated paragraph. Outline each of the 2 public discussions, even as you present a personal opinion at the end. In this instance, you need to reflect the 2 sides of the discussion first. These are:

- All wildlife needs to be protected
- Only certain wildlife should be protected

You only reflected one of the 2 public points of view in your discussion prior to presenting your personal opinion. This created a tangential response which will definitely affect your overall score. The discussion you present must be based on the original, with all original points of view presented clearly in the paraphrase.

Now, for the personal opinion part. Based on your presentation, you should have had a 3 reasoning paragraph presentation. As such, you need a stand alone paragraph for your personal opinion based on your understanding of the 2 public discussion concerns. A comparative consideration at the start of the personal opinion, leading into your actual opinion would have been perfect for that presentation.

The personal opinion should not be a part of the concluding statement as it must be justified with reasons, examples, and other supporting facts. The conclusion should help the reader get a better picture of your discussion through a presentation of important discussion points at the end.
OP legendark 2 / 4 1  
Sep 16, 2020   #3
Dear @Holt,
Thank you for your response.
I will analyze my writing and correct it

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