Writing task 2: Academic Topic
Topic: Many people use distance-learning progammes (study material, post, TV, the Internet, etc.) to study at home, but some people think that it cannot bring the same benefits of attending college or unversity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about the efficiency of distance education. However, whether the school maintains the traditional learning method or carries out this new reform in education has cause heated debate. My view is that self-study should be encouraged and even become more widely adopted for the following reasons.
First, It is obviously that self-educated course motivates the learners to think critically and independently. Because they themselves have to look for the study materials from a huge teaching resources and then check whether the documents found are right and needed. Thereby, students could have a general knowledge and deeply understand about information. Besides, the autodidacts could save time traveling around and thus avoid meeting with unexpected accidents.
In addition, as the fast-paced development of the internet, the term "Online learning" has emerged and then quickly received a lot of attention and positive feedback from parents, students, and those working in the educational field. Dekiru - a website for learning Japanese is a good case in point. The educational system of this website is organized professionally. There's a list of Japanese courses corresponding to different levels from basic to advanced. In each course, there are lesson-related videos, documents and exercises for learners to practice after finishing the theoretical part. All you need is just a device that be able to get access to the Internet.
That is not to say that class attendance is not necessary, it is an important part of the academic process and should be considered both a privilege and a responsibility. In term of service providers, however, schools should give top priority to meet their customers' real needs and due to all the advantages of self-education below, it's worth to take into consideration.
In conclusion, distance education could partly replace the traditional education, provide enough information, reduce the inconvenience and thus return a positive result in education. Meanwhile, we should not ignore the class attendance's effects. Only by doing so can we make progress in learning.
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Le, you have not discussed the essay based upon the original prompt instructions. You were being asked to represent your status of agreement or disagreement with the given statement. You are not being asked about your point of view and the reasons for it. However, your reasons could have easily supported a measured response statement in relation to the given prompt. The instructions were:
Original: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your Response: My view is that self-study should be encouraged ...
The original prompt asked you to respond with either an agreement or disagreement with opinion based upon the degree of your support for one of the two statements. It is not asking about your personal point of view using personal reasons. You totally changed the prompt instructions will result in a failing score of 1 for the TA section, thus failing the essay overall.
The problem lies in the way that you discussed the topic for the essay. Here is a better illustration of exactly how and why the mistake occurred on your part:
Original Discussion: Many people use distance-learning progammes (study material, post, TV, the Internet, etc.) to study at home, but some people think that it cannot bring the same benefits of attending college or unversity.
Your Discussion: ... self-study should be encouraged and even become more widely adopted for the following reasons....
Using the above outline, you can clearly see where and how your prompt deviation occurred. The change in discussion slant is what made the essay fail in the overall TA consideration. Once the essay does not get a high TA score, it is always guaranteed to fail in the overall score due to the additional mistakes incurred in the LR, GRA, and C&C section of the scoring criteria. These all combine to create a failing score. The C&C automatically gets a failing score as well because it is not discussing the correct elements based on the original discussion topic throughout the essay.
Yiur essay is quite confusing. From where I stand, You didn't clarify your opinion whether you agree or disagree. Also, according to TOEFL rubric, your level of english in vocab and grammer is intermediate, you must use more advanced words to get higher score. Also, you use all types of sentences like complex, compounded, and compounded-complex sentences.
If you wrote this essay in 30 min. I think you will get between 20 and 25 no more no little.
Focus in your mistakes and avoid it next time.
It woul be better to replace "My view is that self-study ..." with "l totally (or somewhat) agree with distance-learning programme at home for the logically compelling reasons I will outline below"