THE 50'S FAMILY AND TODAY'S
Topic: With the number of divorce rates skyrocketing recently, it is commonly believed that families are not as close as they were fifty years ago.
Discuss the causes of this problem and offer some possible solutions to it.
These days, it seems that more and more couples are divorcing than fifty years ago. This raises certain uncertainty about the issue of the relationship of couple. In this essay, i will plan to discuss the reason of the issue and also offer some viable solution to it.
In the past, men assumed to be the one who needed to earn money from work, while women were supposed to stay at home and to look after children. In recent times, however, the cost of living has become much more expansive than ever before, it requiring both of the parents to go to work for the money, therefore, the stress on them has become unbearable. The more argue between couples, the more number of divorce rates increased.
In order to solve the problem, i believe that we must first address its root causes. Perhaps the most effective method to solve this problem would be to help from the government. The government would provides some allowance to certain families. For example, the government could provides particular allowance depending on how many children the family needs to take care of.
Although the problem is by no means insurmountable, it is unlikely that it will be solved in the foreseeable future. However, i believe that the solution outlined above would constitute a good first step.Firstly, I think you need to improve your grammar. For example: in the thesis statement, you can say: "In my opinion, I will point out several reasons causing this problem and give some solutions to improve the status".
Secondly, in the second paragraph, it is necessary to put a clear topic sentence to attract readers. You can say: "I think there are some reasons that are attributed to high divorce proportion in recent years. The first reason is that ...." And you should give some more reason to make your essay more persuasive.
Try to utilize more academic structures when you are writing. Briefly, this only means that you should try to omit phrases that are quite uncertain. Instead, you should try to be as informative as possible.
Keeping these in mind, let's revise a couple portions of your text.
Compared to fifty years ago, the rate of divorce has been increasing. This raises uncertainties about the establishment of relationships. This essay will discuss the reasons why and present viable solutions.
Notice how I was able to establish synonymous content with yours while cutting down the number of words. This is pivotal when you are writing academically because of all the restrictions in place.
Furthermore:
In the past, men earned money through working, while women stayed at home to look after their children. Due to the rising cost of living, both parents are now forced to work. This has caused an increase in stress levels among couples, resulting to separation and divorce.
In the succeeding paragraph, note that you should eliminate words that imply lack of in-depth knowledge on the issue. For instance, you should say that your proposition is an effective solution rather than saying that it could be the most effective method. The former implies an academic assertion, while the latter is quite indecisive and uninformative.
Moreover, revise these lines into:
[...] The government is mandated to provide financial compensation to families that need it. For example, they can form a criteria that determines eligibility including the number of children a family has. [...]
Keep these in mind the next time you are writing. Try to be clearer with the intent, structure, and the thesis statements of your essay. Best of luck!
@Maria
What band can the essay get in ielts, thanks
