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IELTS Task 2: What can be done to maintain biodiversity ?


nguoi_co_doc 7 / 16 10  
Aug 31, 2014   #1
Please give me feedback on my essay.

The Importance of Biodiversity Is Being More Widely Recognized as Increasing Numbers of Species Come Under Threat.
What Can Be Done to Maintain Biodiversity?

With the requirements from industry, economy, and the development of population, humans have harnessed from nature in most unkind methods. Throughout these processes, nature got damaged seriously, especially with the decline of biodiversity and the loss of the ecosystem. Many people hold a strong view suggesting that the degradation of our biological world has been considered as an inevitable consequence. However, from my point of view, there are many solutions that can be applied to protect the biodiversity.

To begin with, governments should invest in the budget for some botanical institutions like zoos and botanical gardens. This is necessary to save some species on the verge of extinction by controlling the reproduction and fertility rate of the flora and fauna. Having said that, this remedy can only be approach on a small scales and it will only protect a small number of species.

Similarly, governments should pass a law to reduce the activities that threaten the natural inhabitants. Some causes of damage to our environment are overgrazing, oil spills, and indiscriminate logging resulting in limiting the habitation. Therefore, not only severely penalties for those who have been unfriendly to the environment but the governments of different countries should also co-operate to build an international legal system that focuses on the conservation of nature. Nonetheless, this resolution leads to some negative effects, for example, creating an economic crisis and increasing the unemployment rate.

The final but the most important solution is education. When introducing some subjects related to biology and ecology, educational institutions can highlight the vital role of biodiversity. Furthermore, media should shows the serious repercussion of the loss of long-term sustainability. Education is the best method in improving the awareness of the community in issues which require both governments and individuals to handle together.

In conclusion, no matter how high the demands of the people are, our civillazition must have a balance between our needs and the importance of the natural world. It is a critical time to perceive and take actions on protecting the beauty of biodiversity.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 31, 2014   #2
You made very good points and related some important arguments regarding the issue of biodiversity. However, I feel that the essay is still lacking in content because you spoke of the government responsibility and the need to educate people, but neglected to discuss what we can do as individuals to address the issue. Surely there are some things on a private or individual level that we can all do to help ease the problem and situation. This should be pointed out because the prompt asks what can be done to maintain biodiversity and I believe, that the maintenance should begin on an individual or personal level. So before I point out any grammar corrections, I think it would be best if you could draft a 2nd version of the essay first, which includes a paragraph about my suggestion pertaining to the individual contribution of solutions to the problem. Once that is done, the essay will have covered all aspects of the discussion and will then be ready for grammar correction and editing :-)
Xiaokai Jin 11 / 23 5  
Aug 31, 2014   #3
To begin with, governments should invest in the budget for some botanical institutions like zoos and botanical gardens. This is necessary to save some species on the verge of extinction by controlling the reproduction and fertility rate of the flora and fauna. Having said that, this remedy can only be approach on a small scales and it will only protect a small number of species.

First, can only be approachapproached . Very good sentence, but if you can completely avoid spelling mistakes, that would be nicer.

Second, I don't know if you agree with this. But I don't think biodiversity simply means variation in the plants and crops, it could also include animals.

So, why don't you talk about how to conserve endangered animals here? For instance, you could say that government agency should promote wildlife protection by educating people about endangered species. Meanwhile, animal-friendly people can lobby for hunting endangered species to be illegal and for violators to face huge fines, or jail. Last but not least, people can be involved in the breeding of some endangered species in captivity so they can be released to increase their numbers in the wild.
OP nguoi_co_doc 7 / 16 10  
Aug 31, 2014   #4
Dear Xiaokai Jin, thanks yoour reply so much, but i want to discuss some thing more
Second, I don't know if you agree with this. But I don't think biodiversity simply means variation in the plants and crops, it could also include animals.

I used the word " flora and fauna", so my idea included both plants and animals.
For instance, you could say that government agency should promote wildlife protection by educating people about endangered species , I mentioned the role of education in the last paragraph of body, so I didn't use this idea in the first paragraph.

Meanwhile, animal-friendly people can lobby for hunting endangered species to be illegal and for violators to face huge fines, or jail , thanks friend but I also used this idea in the sentence " Therefore, not only severely penalties for those who have been unfriendly to the environment ..." I just wrote it in another way.

whatever, thanks your feedback so much, hope to get your support more, my friend.
Sorry because I cannot use the quote funtion.
ratnadjuwita - / 1  
Aug 31, 2014   #5
generally, i like your essay because you explain clearly in your developing sentence. Then, your flexical source is great especially for me as a new member here :D, i learn a lots from your essays.

however, i agree with vangiaspen about you forget to discuss what will you do as a person about the issues.
Xiaokai Jin 11 / 23 5  
Aug 31, 2014   #6
Anyway, it seems like you've covered most of the part that I suggested. So, good job!

Next time I will try to provide more helpful advices.

Thank you, my friend!


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