Hi i am preparing for the IELTS exam and while under lockdown due to the Corona virus, I have decided to improve my poor writing skills. I hope you guys can help me check any necessary improvement, and if you have time could you evaluate which band this essay might get. Thank you and have good day!
Which environmental problem needs immediate attention?
Topic 2: Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
The world we living in is witnessing some serious environmental problems. It has existed thousands of years and now due to our excessive exploitation on nature, those problems seem to upsurge over time. There are some people believe that extinction of plants and animals is now the most pressing issue, while some others think that there are multiple environment issues that should be concerned about. It is important that I discuss both points of view in order to present my assessment of this topic.
It is clearly that, in a decade lately we have loss many plants and creatures due to poaching and hunting which leads to numerous consequences. Firstly, the biological balance will be damaged, one specie goes into extinct can create threads to others if their gone could cause loss of food sources for animals relying on them. Secondly, not just animals from the wild affected by the disappearance of particular kind of creatures or plants but also humans. We share the same ecosystem with them so our quality of life and our survival linked to their existence.
Despite that disturbing fact, we have to admit that loss of biodiversity is not the biggest problem we are facing with. There are many other problems: air pollution, shortage of clean water, global warming, extreme weather, etc which are directly affecting our life in a negative way. Many diseases appear, kill million people every years and slow the global economy. Human struggle with bad health conditions especially respiratory problems because of the poor quality of air we are breathing.
It is my contention that each problem has its own importance, we should not emphasis on one particular one but the whole situation confronting us and have proper solutions. Governments around the world and every citizen should act right now in order to protect and preserve what the mother nature gave us and improve our quality of life.
In your first sentence,
"The world we living"
you forgot to write 'are'.
In your third sentence,
"There are some people believe"
you forgot 'who'.
In your fifth line, should be 'environmental.
In the second paragraph first line,
"loss" should be 'lost'.
Second paragraph third line,
It should be,
' one specie goes into extinction can create threats to ... could cause loss of food ...'
Here you forgot 'are'
"not just animals from the wild affected".
Here also you forgot 'are'
"and our survival linked".
This sentence should be,
'Many diseases appear, killing millions of people every year and slowing the global economy.'
I hope this will help.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,540 3448
There is a simple rule of thumb for passing the task 2 essay. Keep it short. Avoid over writing. Writing between 275-290 has been found by most exam takers to be the perfect number of words to write if you want to pass the test. These are the magic numbers that will assure you of enough editing time during the 40 minute test. Remember, it is not the word count that will ensure a high score, it is the editing time you use in perfecting the presentation that will do that.
You must familiarize yourself with verb forms. The following is an example of your incorrect verb presentation with a correction applied:
The world we living in is... - The world we ARE living in..
Reason: We is a plural pronoun so are must be used as the present indicative plural
... people every years - every YEAR
Reason: People refers to the plural form of a person. However, every refers to a singular form of the number of days. Hence, year instead of years.
These corrections should be enough to get you started with regards to your grammar issues. Your presentation is good. Your discussion is acceptable to a certain extent. You see, you forgot to write the concluding summary. You used your personal opinion as a concluding statement. Since this is only a 5 paragraph essay, you should follow the format below to meet the presentation requirements:
- Paraphrase with discussion outline
- Public POV 1
- Public POV 2
- Personal opinion
- Summary recap
This is a better essay that is normally posted here. However, it might not achieve a 5 band score just yet. Remember, you have problematic grammar presentations and an open ended essay presentation (no concluding paragraph). You also under discuss certain paragraphs because you focused more on presenting reasons that properly developing the explanation of the first reason using the 5 sentence format requirement:
- Topic sentence
- Supporting explanation (optional)
- Transition sentence
Once you resolve these issues, you should be able to easily achieve a higher than 5 band score. You show that you have the potential to achieve at least a 7 with your next practice essay. I am excited to see if you can actually achieve that.
@Holt Thank you very much, now I know what I get wrong and what needs to be improved. I will try my best.