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No-doubt, children learn much more both sense of competition and co-operation.


mohsiniiii 1 / 2  
May 17, 2011   #1
slam to all.. I am preparing the Ielts test. So please check my essay care fully and give suggestion.. what is weak in this essay?

Topic: some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than complete become more useful adults.

Answer:
No-doubt, children learn much more both sense of competition and co-operation.These things create a encourage to adults. But i personally believe that children learn more co-operation each other rather than competition. So some people differ my point of view. They prefer to competition in children grooming. I am discussing the both sense of it.

First of all, some people argue that sense of competition in children should be encouraged. They can groom their mind. Particular in education, it is so important for adults. For example, children more learn to see each other. If in game, we see that create competition between the children. they hard work more to counter others. In education field, children got reward to take position in class.Teachers appreciate them and parents are satisfy their children. While children those do not got position. they face criticism through parents and teachers. This things promote competition.

While the others argue that co-operation in children should be encouraged. Through co-operation,they can develop and strength their relation. they can gain much knowledge. Co-operation have important role in every fields. For example, if boy is weak in one subject, then he takes help to his friend who has grip to subject. later on this boy may help another subject which has grip itself. so co-operation create opportunity each other.

In the conclusion, there is a positive opinion on my side that co-operation in adults should be encouraged in every fields. they will learn much by it then competition. Further, it is expected that competition will act as a supplement to co-operation in some fields.
heena33 4 / 18  
May 17, 2011   #2
according to me competition should be neglated becoz this leds to student in depression, fustrated and may encourage them to suicid
OP mohsiniiii 1 / 2  
May 17, 2011   #3
thanks for showing my mistake. but i do not understand what do you want to say? can you explain?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 18, 2011   #4
Heena is saying she thinks competition is not very good because it causes depression and other harmful effects.

I'm going to correct some of the grammar below:
No doubt, children learn much more both sense of competition and co-operation.---You can't have MORE because that word is only okay ro use when comparing two things.

These things create a encourage to students to develop skills they will need as adults.

But I personally believe that children learn more from cooperation with each other than competition.

If in a competitive game, we see that competition between the children can make them stronger.

Capitalize the first letter of every sentence:
They work hard to counter others.

You don't need the hyphen: cooperation

In conclusion, there is evidence to support my opinion that co-operation should be encouraged in every field.
OP mohsiniiii 1 / 2  
May 21, 2011   #5
thanks you for check my essay and show my mistake....
icy ciel - / 8  
May 21, 2011   #6
some people argue that sense of competition in children should be encouraged

this part here, i suggest you put your main idea here instead

Particular in education

particularly

it is so important for adults.

in my opinion it would be better to replace "so" with "very"

they hard work more to counter others

suggestion: change it into---->they strive to win against the other party
(in case you don't know, party here means group or side)

While children those do not got position. they face criticism through parents and teachers

replace the full stop (.) with comma (,)


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