some people argue that sense of competition in children should be encouraged
this part here, i suggest you put your main idea here instead
Particular in education
it is so important for adults.
in my opinion it would be better to replace "so" with "very"
they hard work more to counter others
suggestion: change it into---->they strive to win against the other party
(in case you don't know, party here means group or side)
While children those do not got position. they face criticism through parents and teachers
replace the full stop (.) with comma (,)