Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

IELTS - dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad - Bar chart, Line Graph


violethoang 2 / 5 1  
Aug 21, 2014   #1
Hi! This is my first post in this forum. Please help me and I will try to help back as hard as I can.
Just call me Vi
-----------------------------------------
This question is from Official IELTS practice test book 1 - Test 1 - Academic Writing 1
----------------------------------------
The bar chart shows figures for Japanese visitors travelling abroad from 1985 to 1995, while the line graph compares the percentage of these travelers visited Australia in the same period.

As can be seen from the data that there was a dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad. Throughout the period, more and more Japanese tourists cam to Australia which contributed to the increase of the number mentioned above.

Over the 5 years after 1985, the number of people from Japan travelling abroad increase steadily about 4 millions visitors. However, there was a slight fluctuation in the popularity of Japanese travelling abroad between 1990 and 1993. After this period, the figure for Japanese abroad tourists continued to rise gradually from 12 million visitors in 1993 to 15 million visitors in 1995.

Similarly, according to the line graph, 2% of Japanese visited Australia in 1985 and this proportion raise at least 2 times to 5% in 1989. The percentage of Japanese tourists visited Australia saw a slightly decline in 1990 and then it reached a highest point of 6% in 1994.

(183 words)
---------------------------------------
Questions:
1. How I can replace the phrase "Japaneses tourist travelling abroad"?
2. Are the words I used enough for band 7?
---------------------------------------
Thank you guys so much!




Pyon9x 11 / 24 9  
Aug 22, 2014   #2
to me your essay is overally good, significant firgures are well pointed out, just a few points i want to talk about

As can be seen from the data that there was a dramatic increase in the number
Throughout the period, more and more Japanese tourists cam to Australia which contributed to the increase of the number mentioned above. => in the overall part, i think you should include peak or low

1. How I can replace the phrase "Japaneses tourist travelling abroad"? => the number of Japaneses who travel oversea
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Aug 22, 2014   #3
while the line graph compares the percentage of these travelers visited Australia induring the same period.

This does not have adequate reference to the Japanese tourists to Australia .... I know that is what you tried to mean by saying "these travelers", but wish you had more emphasis on that fact as it is very important.

Throughout the period, more and more Japanese tourists cam visited to Australia which contributed to the increase of the number mentioned above.

This is my suggestion for your Overview;
Overall, the number Japanese tourists visiting other countries has grown steadily during the period under review. It has shown almost a similar trend for the Australian market share of Japanese tourists.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Aug 23, 2014   #4
As can be seen from theThe data shows that there was a dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad.
This task is about report writing and therefore it is better you adopt a more formal tone that suits report writing.

Over the 5 years after 1985, the number of people from Japan travelling abroad increase steadily about 4 millions visitors.

Here, I have a confusion. What is this 4 million? Is it the annual increment of Japanese travelers? I feel you've got the figures mixed up as I can no where find such 4 million in your bar chart. You've got to be very very careful with figures when you deal with the Detail paras.

However, there was a slight fluctuation in the popularity of Japanese travelling abroad between 1990 and 1993.

However, there had been a slight decline in this trend during the year 1991.
OP violethoang 2 / 5 1  
Aug 23, 2014   #5
Thank Dumi, Eddies, and Pyon9x so much.
I will try to understand and fix my mistakes now.
Then I will try to write more.
I think that you guys can find more mistakes in my next essay.
And now you can help other people.
Thanks


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS - dramatic increase in the number of Japanese people travelling abroad - Bar chart, Line Graph