Prompt: What is important to you in this ever-changing global society? Speak on an issue that you deem critical and subject to debate. The issue can be personal, specific to your community, or relevant in the world today.
-Also, the essay can only be one page, double-spaced, so all of it has to be very strong. Please let me know if any part of it is redundant or can be worded better!
-Also, I kind of built up to my main point, instead of starting out with it. Do you think I should start with my opinion and then go from there? Or is okay how I wrote it? Any feedback is appreciated, I will review your essay also! Thanks so much!
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Jen scrolls down the Twitter and Facebook feed on her iPhone for the umpteenth time before pressing a button on a sleek black universal remote. As the Samsung 52-inch LED HD TV springs to life, Jen furiously thumbs a status update, tagging friends whom she had recently met online.
For the 14.8 million high-school teens in America, Jen's daily routine is the norm. Though phones slim, television screens expand, and other new technology advances our lives every year, our growing obsession and dependence upon technology has begun to outweigh its rewards. As the daughter of parents in the computer industry, I have experienced firsthand the rewards of technology's extensive power and its flaws. Every day, I also observe the addictive and superficial effects of technology and social media on my generation. During class, many students are constantly glued to or distracted by their cell phones, whether occasionally texting friends or checking social media sites, even when the teacher is teaching! At first, I was appalled by my peers' rude disrespect. However, I now understand the compulsive social urge of instantaneous connection that this technological age inspires, and I am even guilty of texting during class. Even so, I realize that every message I sent in class could have been directly said in person, from hours to days later.
While social media effortlessly connects us to opposite ends of the Earth, our society's persistent values of speed and efficiency encourage us to connect with numerous people in the least amount of time, to impersonally type messages instead of conversing face-to-face. Furthermore, the culture of technology has caused superficiality to flourish, as individuals are often defined virtually by Facebook profiles, tweets, and number of friends, rather than judged in person. The allure of the virtual world, where everything and everyone is right at our fingertips, consumes our reality and diverts time away from cultivating deeper and more personal relationships with our families, teachers, and friends. I do not condemn how technology enables us to communicate within seconds, but rather how it distracts us from what is important. It is time for our society to reevaluate our priorities, to focus on improving and strengthening existing relationships and live in reality, not virtually.
As the daughter of parents in the computer industry,
it's better to say Since my parents are involved in the computer industry, I...
Every day, I also observe
There is no need in comma and I don't quite understand the usage of the word "also"
cell phones
isn't it "cellphones"?
teacher is teaching
"lecturing" would be more appropriate
I now understand
Now I understand
, from hours to days later
I won't use this in short essays
to opposite ends of the Earth
to the opposite side? I actually don't feel it right
Overall I liked your essay! But since it is neither a story nor a long passage I wouldn't start it like that. This could draw attention to your essay but drawing attention isn't the purpose, is it? Personally I think that starting with a small introductory paragraph about the problems concerning technologies nowadays would be more appropriate. But this is my humble opinion :)
