Today increasing number of people, in particular children and teenagers, play video games for fun. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Nowadays, more and more people, especially the younger generation tend to spend their leisure time on video games. My view is that this trend can bring more drawbacks than the benefits.
First of all, playing video games makes people stay indoors for a longer time in their daily life. They prefer sitting in front of a screen rather to do sports outside, which is harmful for both their eyesight and physical posture. This unhealthy lifestyle also prevents people from going out with their friends and reduces their non-virtue communication, which is more likely to make people self-centered and lonely.
For young students who are addicted to video games, there is another extreme drawback that it has an adverse impact on their study. Children and teenagers are thought to be less self-controlled, which means that they may spend too much time on the games after school instead of focusing on their homework. Consequently, there can be a drop of their grades. Some teenagers may even lose the opportunity to enter a better university for being distracted their attention by video games.
However, it is true that video games can make people relax, particularly when they are under great pressure of work or study. Living in a modern society, many people have too limited time and energy to go for a concert or read a classical book to relax themselves. By contrast, video games can release their stress in a shorter time and easier way.
Overall, although video games can be a good choice of entertainment, I believe that people are affected by its disadvantages more. They may form an unhealthy lifestyle or get distracted from study when they are young. It is suggested that people should pay more attention to manage their time and restrict which is spent on video games.
Hi Yuan, I have read your essay closely and will give you a few corrections for finalizing this essay. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.
First, your paraphrase of the statement is good, but your thesis statement is weak. Its reason is that because you review what you would explain in the body paragraph. You said that this habit more negative effect, but you can present brief description. For your body paragraph, your idea is good. However, you explain deep. As we can know, this is an academic writing so that you have to prove your opinion such as showing the example. There are many ideas, but those seemed layman's opinions because it has not been strong.
Your score can be reduced because readers get difficult to understand your logic flow. In the next term, please you pay attention to your flow. I suggest you review the example of writing task 2 so that you can recognize the basic pattern of writing task 2 better. In the concluding paragraph, you successfully present the good conclusion, but you have needed for strengthening that. I believe you can master this session if you wanna practice more and more.
Happy writing, good luck
Well, you can add the information that video games make children spend less time not only for their homework but also their extracurricular activities -> grades drop and lack of soft skills or even suffer from obesity
If you want to talk about video games's benefits, you should talk about them before the benefits.
I have read your essay and @akbarmappiare feedback and I agree; your essay is quite good but still need some improvement in terms of the example and the conclusion part.
Anyway, good luck with your IELTS :)
I think your essay is all right. But it would be better if you use more academic words.
You should also pay attention to some grammar points such as plural and single.
They prefer sitting in front of a screen rather to do sports outside => "They prefer sitting in front of screenS rather to do sports outside"