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DREAM BIG FUND essay competition


flykitten 5 / 9 4  
Mar 17, 2018   #1
Hello Essay Forum,
I am applying a fund that is going to give to students with special needs that will continue their study overseas.

The essay must answer these questions:
1. Why do you choose the course?
2. How will your chosen course change your life and those around you?
3. How will you spend the money from Dream Big Fund?

Please give me your honest comments and advice, looking forward to it!
Thank you in advance

Draft:

being a Geotechnical Engineer in South Sumatera



In 2010, I have to see myself as a person with special needs as I need to think twice to go up the stairs and ask someone to help me to walk bumpy roads. However, my reality seems to contrast with the city I live in, Palembang. This capital city of South Sumatera is a city that keeps growing its infrastructure but still lack of facilities to accommodate people with a disability such as a bus stop that is too high, the absence of toilet for wheelchair users and the very few guiding blocks at the city streets. Secondly, more than 70% of South Sumatera land consists of wet soils that make building infrastructure here is twice challenging. In 2017, there was a road failure at the new highway built from Palembang to Indralaya. All the facts above drive me to contribute to South Sumatera infrastructural development by being a Geotechnical Engineer.

Being a geotechnical expert upon my master completion at the University of New South Wales Australia will allow me to make stronger recommendations for road and bridge constructions starting from the projects handled by my current workplace. In education, I am going to contribute as a lecturer to enhance the curriculum of geotechnical engineering at the local university by applying innovative teaching methods that I would earn from the studying abroad experiences.

Moreover, as a lecturer, I am going to suggest the establishment of Special Learning Center to the university. The learning center will arrange services for students with special needs such as the extra time for exams, note takers, and built proper roads to the university buildings. I strongly believe the existence of the learning center is going to encourage students with disabilities to go to public schools. The initiative came from my own experience. Although I always went to the best school in Palembang, none have the facilities for students with special needs.

All the visions above has greater chance to realize as I get the master scholarship from the Indonesian government. However, there are some parts of the scholarship that are using the reimbursement system such as flight ticket and health insurance. Additionally, the living allowance is sometimes postponed for months when there is a change in the system in the scholarship institution. This reimbursement system is a formidable challenge for me as a new private worker with one year of experience.

Being one of the Dream Big Fund recipients are going to be my foundation to stand in the reimbursement system and emergency conditions that might happen such as urgent physical health therapies. Besides, the fund will be used for the travel cost in doing my future thesis about wet soil reinforcement and to start the promotion of special learning center establishment. In closing, I am convinced by undergoing my postgraduate journey with Dream Big Fund will pave the clearer way for me to be more successful as an international student and a contributor to my home country.

#492 of 500 words#
heylaa 1 / 2  
Mar 17, 2018   #2
Hi flykitten,

I feel that ur essay could be improved by providing more of a connection for he second last paragraph as currently i feel that the second last paragraph do not link back to the question. Do take note of some grammatical errors too.

For example:
... infrastructure here is twice as challenging
... has greater chance to realize = give me more chances to realise
is going to be my foundation
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,742 3794  
Mar 20, 2018   #3
Putri, your essay is not very academic in presentation and also, requires a more coherent presentation for the essay. You seem to be going back in time by referring to a 2010 experience in the essay that doesn't really represent a direct response to the question. In fact, none of your essays provide direct responses or clear responses to the given prompts. For example, when you are asked: Why did you choose this career? The response should be something like,"I chose this career because I want to fix the existing problems for persons with disability in Indonesia. I have worked for..." The question about how the course will change your life and those around you should be responded to directly as "By completing the XXX course at XXX, I know my life will change because... The lives of those around me will be directly affected in a positive manner because I will XXX..." As for how you spend the money, it is best to immediately indicate that you will use it for your research project. There are only 3 prompts provided. That means, a 3 paragraph essay will suffice for the response. With only 500 words to accurately address the questions, you don't need a flowery essay as you have now. Be concise. The reviewer will appreciate it.


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