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Drinks containing sugars have gained increasing popularity among young people


KIM THU 1 / 1  
Sep 22, 2020   #1
People are having more and more sugar-based drinks

What are the reasons? What are the solutions?



It is true that drinks containing sugars have gained increasing popularity among people, especially young children. While there are some underlying motives regarding this problem, I believe we can take steps to mitigate it.

There are two main reasons why there is a dramatic increase in the number of people having the habit of choosing sugar-based beverages. Firstly, as the advertising industry has developed at an unprecedented rate, citizens can easily get access to advertisements introducing a variety of sweet drinks and be attracted by promotions companies manufacturing sugar-based drinks offer. For example, Pepsi has been extremely successful in drawing the attention of consumers as its products are advertised everywhere, from streets to supermarkets. Secondly, it is undoubted that sugars which contain high levels of carbohydrates can make people feel much more refreshed and energetic, especially after they finish doing something physically demanding. This encourages people to pay for a sugar-contained drink rather than a bottle of water whenever they feel thirsty.

However, there are some actions that both government bodies and ordinary citizens can take to ameliorate this alarming issue. Firstly, governments should impose high taxes on these beverages so that manufactures will take producing these harmful drinks on a large scale into consideration and buyers will hesitate to choose a sugary drink due to paying extra money for high taxes. Secondly, parents should control their children's buying habits in order to prevent them from spending too much on drinks containing high levels of sugars.

Overall, it can be concluded that the popularity of sugary beverage is mainly due to attractive advertisements and the benefits they bring to human energy, but there are still some measures that have the potential of tackling this problem.
Eabc 4 / 9 1  
Sep 22, 2020   #2
@ KIM THU
In the second paragraph, the line can be better written as :
"so that the manufacturers will take into consideration the problems caused by large-scale production of soft drinks"

You also do not have to repeat the words "sugar based drinks" instead you can use cold drinks, soft drinks, etc. because they all mean the same. This will also increase the range of your vocabulary.

The above is my personal opinion and not an expert one. Please correct me if I am wrong anywhere.
OP KIM THU 1 / 1  
Sep 22, 2020   #3
@Eabc
I really appreciate for your suggestions. They will help me boost my writing.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4773  
Sep 23, 2020   #4
You should not be stating a fact by saying "it is true" in the paraphrase since there is no instruction asking you to prove the truthfulness of the claim. You should simply restate it as simply as you can, based on the original wording. Your first paragraph also fails to respond directly to the questions provided by giving the discussion topics for the 2 reasoning paragraphs, which will be based on connected reasons and relevant solutions as required by the questions posed. This creates a lack of clarity in your discussion presentation as there is no outline provided for the 2 reasoning paragraphs.

Rather than using ordinals for your connection of the 2 reasons, show your grammar range by using a transition sentence instead. The use of a transition sentence will help increase the C&C section of your score as it will show that you are capable of connecting 2 topics in one paragraphs using a commonality between the two. I would caution you against under developing your second reason as that translates into an under developed paragraph. Since you are allotted 5 sentences per paragraph, you can create the connected discussion by doing the following instead:

Sentence 1: First topic sentence
Sentence 2: Explanation for the topic
Sentence 3: Transition sentence for the second topic (connect it to the first sentence topic)
Sentence 4: Example that combines topic 1 and 2
Sentence 5: Explanation that proves the relationship of both topics to the discussion question provided.

The under development of the 2nd reason is a problem that exists in both your reasoning paragraphs. It would do you well to use the format I am suggesting to help you better represent a well developed discussion.

Your summary conclusion is incorrect. There is no data reminding the reader of the original topic, reasoning discussions, and possible solutions. You have to repeat the information in short form, clearly. Do not be vague about it as you do so now.


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