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"Who drove them out to the streets?"

acc123 1 / 2  
Nov 24, 2014   #1
I have to write an essay for the school newspaper connected to my experiences.

Lima, the capital of Peru is home to almost ten million. It is a city where the past and the present exist together. In its urban districts, there are very modern buildings and good cars while in the outskirts there are people who live in huts where there is no electricity or water. In the city, there is a common sight that makes us look back at our current lives. In every crossroad where cars stop, you can see children standing with dirty rags and bottles or kids performing acrobats. They wash the car windows regardlessly to the drivers will and they ask for 10 centimos. Who drove those children out to the street? Most of the children come from the rural areas in the outskirts of the city. Their parents are mostly natives who have been poorly educated. They build huts in the dry desert and come to the city with their children to survive, but the only work they can do without capital is begging. Wherever children are begging, their parents are nearby waiting to collect the meager earnings. The 10 centimos that the children collect, is used for the family's daily bread, or the father's alcohol. The children are required to work on the streets because of their parent's ignorance, poverty, and violence. The Peruvian government builds schools wherever there is a shantytown. However, the children living in those towns cannot attend the local school. Instead they go to the streets. After the years pass they are unable to free themselves from poverty and the chain of poverty is inherited to their descendants who live in the same kind of life of their forefathers. Also as, the city develops the number and the population of the shanty-town's increase. So then should we keep those children on the streets? Around the globe, there are many foundations promoting the education, health, and human rights of children. However, those foundations have no impact whatsoever in the streets of Lima. Therefore as a fundamental solution we must figure out a way to end their poverty and break the chain that is passed down from generation to generation. For example, we must help the poor to regain their ability to cover their basic needs. Simultaneously, we must help them figure out a way to become independent financially. A way to this would be teaching the population some kind of work skill, which would result in an environment where a child would be able to develop and dream. As I end my essay, I want to ask you a question. "What can you do for those children?"

By the way its a high school newspaper.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 24, 2014   #2
You present a good analysis of the situation in Peru regarding the street children. I am just wondering where your personal experience / connection with the story went? Did you live as one of those children before? Why do you consider this an important personal experience? How did it affect you as a person? Why do you think we should care about these children who live so far away? They have no direct relation to me. Make me care about these children. Make me care about the cause you are presenting. Make me feel for them because they were driven out to the streets. Why should I care that the Peruvian government cannot amply provide for them? My own country is suffering from educational and social care problems already and we do not need to send help to those kids when our own kids are also struggling. Unless you add that personal touch, the connection between you and the article content that will make us feel like we have to care and do something about this problem, the question you posed at the end of your article becomes worthless. Try not be so academic. Make this a human interest story because that is what it is. I know it is for a high school paper, but believe me, you need the touch of humanity in it to make the reader care. Improve your hook as well, reel the reader in. Right now, the article reads more like an academic essay than a school paper article.
OP acc123 1 / 2  
Nov 25, 2014   #3
Thanks :) what do you think of the grammar or the structure of the essay itself?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 25, 2014   #4
The grammar you used in the essay is properly constructed in American English. The overall format is clean but too formal for a high school newspaper. You can try to loosen up a bit in your writing since high school newspapers need to have a less constricted image for its news articles and opinion sections. I did not find any major grammatical errors that need to be addressed. Like I said, if you improve the hook, and in addition, relax the language a little, your article will be better accepted and responded to by your readers.
OP acc123 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2014   #5
Thanks for checking :)

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