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Drug addicts should be jailed - IELTS 2

sharfina 35 / 21 5  
Feb 4, 2016   #1
Some people think that drug addicts should be jailed, while others claim that they should be rehabilitated. Discuss both views and give your opinions.

A huge number of narcotic users are the hottest issue in the world. Some would argue that addicted people to drugs should be sentenced in prison to make them consider doing inappropriate actions, while others say that they need a treatment in health care to cure their suffering. While both views affect them positively, I believe that the latter notion is the effective way to make them getting better.

The general view has stated that drug users should be arrested. By doing so, it will make addicted users becoming aware. The Jakarta Post news reported in March 2015 that the government in Indonesia has created the policy related to putting drug users into the jail. Nevertheless, 50% of addicted people completely stopped using narcotics, while the rest decided to reuse drugs again after being freed from prison in the following year. However this is not the best way since this policy does not make all of them wary.

Apart from the previous discussion, I believe that putting them in rehabilitation is a better way to make drug addicts conscious. Narcotic users should be rehabilitated to set their mindset psychologically. For example, In London, a survey carried out by Keil Rom in 2014 found that 85% of drug users perceiving rehabilitation program totally recover from narcotics. Such program not only get rid of narcotics from users, but also they are given a positive doctrine. This results in they not using drugs again and becoming more useful people in community.

In conclusion, although sentence addicts in house arrest can reduce the number of addicts, it does not mean that they will not do the same action in the following days. I think that taking care them in hospital should be taken into consideration.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 4, 2016   #2
Sharfina, you usually have better English language usage than you have in this essay. I see a number of points that definitely point to a problem with your logical thought process when thinking in English. For starters, the following line is definitely not what you want to say in this essay:

Some would argue that addicted people to drugs should be sentenced in prison to make them consider doing inappropriate actions

The problem with that sentence is that you are implying that drug addicts should be sent to jail so that they can be encourage to do bad, wrong, criminal, or as you said "inappropriate" actions. Normally, the people who end up in jail do so because they are being prevented from doing bad, wrong, criminal, and inappropriate actions. That simple mistake in your thought process already guarantees a failing score for your essay. All because you were not able to present your actual message in the proper manner.

Your arguments in the later paragraphs clearly show that you did not mean to say what you did in the earlier paragraph. However, the first impression and initial score will already have been made at this point and the fact that your discussion in the succeeding paragraphs are correct, but your thesis statement is in error, means that you are unable to properly think in English, you cannot express yourself in English properly, you do not understand the meaning of basic English words, and you cannot write properly in English.

There is a lot riding on the proper development of your opening statement. It could spell the passing or failure of your essay. Please make sure to develop the weak points i enumerated during your succeeding practice tests.

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