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Drugs, alcohol and messy sex lives - Celebrities news has negative impacts on children; [IELTS]

zjxhz 5 / 14 2  
Sep 15, 2014   #1
Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Celebrities, for example movie stars, are usually seen on media living a luxury life or having a new girlfriend, etc. It is human nature that people, especially youngsters, are attracted to the celebrities they favour, and that is why the media prefer to cover as much news of the celebrities as possible. But I tend to think that this is a worrying tread which has negative impact on children.

The first impression of the celebrities seems that they are rich while not having to work hard. This gives children the idea that it is not necessary to study hard at school for a better career and earning a living. Further more, they will not value other people's hard work and take everything for granted.

Meanwhile, not all celebrities are role models. It is not uncommon to see on the media that some of them are committing to crimes or misbehaving such as being addicted to drugs or alcohols, having messy sex lives. Worse still, without proper parenting, children may perceive that this is the cool life people are supposed to be living.

Of course, some celebrities, e.g. writers, passionate entrepreneurs are good examples to children for they share fascinating stories or how to pursue their goal by doing something that has a meaning to them and may change the world.

In conclusion, media should shift its focus from covering celebrities to elsewhere. Meanwhile, children's access to the celebrities news on the media should be restricted and they should study only from the celebrities who can act positively.
xatutik 12 / 29 10  
Sep 15, 2014   #2
to cover as much news of the celebrities as possible.

about celebrities

Further more - furthermore (is one word)

committing to crimes

committing crimes

Overall I liked your essay. You had good reasoning. Maybe, to make the writing better, you can add some examples, they will strengthen your position.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Sep 16, 2014   #3
maybe that's not in an ielts essay, in ielts essay, you cannot put an abbreviation in your essay. this is that my IELTS Trainer said from the first time I met him until now we are being partner in teaching IELTS
OP zjxhz 5 / 14 2  
Sep 16, 2014   #4
@fikri, I agree that abbreviation should be avoided like 'I'm', 'don't, but, I guess Latin words are different? Anyway, I will try to avoid them as well.
ritairianti 3 / 12 4  
Sep 28, 2014   #5
my point of view about your essay :
1. your essay is well-structure and reasonable.
2. it will be better when you say about the name celebrities as the role model , so you can more develop your ideas.
3. do not an abbreviation for ielts essay, it is inappropriate for academic writing .

however, i think, your essay is good .
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Sep 29, 2014   #6
I really think that in order to perfect your essay, you have to extend it a little bit more!
OP zjxhz 5 / 14 2  
Oct 6, 2014   #7
Thanks for your comment. Yes recently I have realized that maybe it is better to develop one idea further, instead of developing more ideas. One of the problems of my essay is that it is usually under length, if I do not think hard enough.

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