Can anyone help me by scoring this essay? It's for IELTS TASK 2
Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
A few people mention that due to a higher life expectancy rates nowadays, the retirement age of employees should be increased exceptionally. However, I disagree with the given perception as raising the limit of retiring age will result in less job satisfaction by older workers, and talented youth workforce can get badly affected by that too.
Increasing the upper limit of retirement can lead to dissatisfaction among senior employees. In other words, everyone plans for his forthcoming future, including abroad trips and a comfortable lifestyle, after working for a fixed time in an organisation. Since retirement age would be increased, such categories of employees may have to sacrifice their pre-made plans and face discomfort at their workplace. This can greatly multiply their chances of being irritated at their regular jobs. For example, a survey conducted in India showed that a vast majority of the older employees did not want to extend their retirement because they were not ready to continue their jobs further.
The decision regarding extending the age of a worker's retirement can hugely impact the future career of young workers. Although senior members of a company possess more experience, raising the retirement age will deter young employees from being promoted and further showcasing their capabilities. When inexperienced workers are not given a proper opportunity to improve their abilities, their future job prospects may fall into a grave danger. An Indian corporation, for instance, increased the retirement age of their workers, after which, many new entrants were unable to have a promotion because such positions were already occupied by senior members.
To conclude, I strongly disagree that raising retirement age in companies as a result of people living much longer today is a good idea, because this will largely influence the future life of both the retirees and the young employees.
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The essay is indicative of a well developed and thoroughly explained presentation.However, the writing is still over the adised 300 word count maximum because of the over explanation in the paragraphs. It would be better to aim for a presentation between 275 - 290 words in this case. The shorter presentation will prove your ability to participate in a time limited examination or presentation in an actual English based classroom. For the exam purposes, the limited word count will allow you some time to edit, revise, and correct your essay. Why is it important that these 3 movements be completed in the task? Reviewing this essay shows me that you were not focused on increasing the accuracy of your writing score since there were incorrect word spelling, word usage, and sentence structures that needed improvement, but remained the same upon scoring. Therefore, you need to brush up on your quality writing skills. That is far more important than writing more than 300 words, because the errors left will reduce your final score regardless of the word count. By the way, the summary overview? Use 2 sentences composed of 40 words next time. That is the format requirement for that paragraph.
You may contact me privately for scoring services as it is not a part of our free review service.