Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve the writing skill.
I am not sure that this essay is logically written because i use examples to write three topic sentences which should be a definition. But, i try to use different ways of writing the essay.
Help me!
Thank you.
The question is that
Some people prefer to get up early in the morning and start the day's work. Others prefer to get up later in the day and work until late at night. Which do you prefer?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
In my view, some people want to get up early in the morning and start the day's work in the hotel and some get up later in the day and start to work late at night in the night market. I prefer the first choice due to my status as father.
First, my sister, Pretty is a receptionist on day shift in the diamond hotel. To illustrate, she has to wake herself up at 4 am to cook food for breakfast because she must be at work at 7 am. Moreover, she does not have much time to watch TV or listen to the radio. She decides to spare time between bathing and eating for make-up which is important for people working as the receptionist in the hotel. Doing this job has an effect on her sleeping habit. She spends only five hours getting some sleep which normally takes eight hour on average.
Second, my aunt, Ann, is a street vendor who sells many things ranging from beef, pork and vegetable. To be specific, she wakes up at 2 pm to prepare goods ready before the beginning of the night market around 8 pm. Her son helps carry goods and put up a selling stall. After midnight, she and her son have to clear away the selling stall for tomorrow. This work causes her to have no time to raise and talk to her son.
Finally, I work as a teacher in a school because I have to take care of my daughter. In this case, I have much time after work to care for her. I always take her to a department store to buy toys and have dinner almost every day. The reason I can do these things is that I have the day's work; therefore, I have a good opportunity to play with my daughter.
Whether or not working in the morning or later at night is a choice depending on different circumstances. The job is one of the most important indicators influencing your getting up early or late every day. For me, it affects my decision on bringing up my lovely daughter.
I love your story, also I love your topic too! I often see your practice essayห. For now, I have essay competition but I seldom practice before. I feel you are very good example.
About this essay it's very nice especially your ending about daughter:)
Frankly,It is good feedback to improve my essay for an essay exam which will begin next year.
Are there any problems with it?
I really want to know about them.
Thank you.
I really want to know how to revise the introduction because it is not clear.
Other corrections to improve the writing skill.
Anyone could help me!
Thank you.
I like the ending about your daughter...delicate and impressive. Nevertheless, I want to tell you that 'first', 'second' sounds too 'easy'...You can use phrases like 'To begin with', 'Moreover', 'What's more'. And as what I said, pay attention to write your conclusion and first paragraph well.
I think your essays have a good stucture:introduction, 3 paragraph and conclusion.
However, in the paragraphs you are supposed to give an idea and support it, perhaps with examples. Reading your essays, although you have good examples to explain what you want to say, you do not have any thesis sentence in the body paragraphs.
In my view, Some people want to get up early in the morning and start the day's work in the hotel , and some get up later in the day and start to work late at night in the night market. I prefer the first choice due to my status as father. In my view, it is better for a father to work early in the morning, because... (what?)
Then, end the first paragraph and move on to paragraph 2:
First, my sister, Pretty, is a receptionist on day shift in the diamond hotel. To illustrate, She has to wake herself up at 4 am to cook food for breakfast, because she must be at work at 7 am.----> very often, Panyapon, the word "because" should have a comma before it.
