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Purpose for earning more money should not become the main goal for us - toefl essay


sirius51 1 / 3  
Aug 30, 2009   #1
I will take toefl examination very soon, please give me some suggestion about my essay!

thanks so much!

only people who earn a lot of money are successful?

By the effort of modern media corporations to spread an ideal that only an individual with a large mount of money could be called a successful one, the number of people who make the purpose of earning more and more money as their only goal is increase greatly in this century. However, in my opinion, the purpose for earning more money should not become the only goal for us, and furthermore, we should try to find the happiness during our occupations.

It is true that the individuals with a good salary possibly have a higher status in society, or could purchase more luxuries which others can not afforded, or possess more social resources, such as better opportunities of education for their children. Moreover, money and finance power usually determines the social status of individual, and even reveal somewhat special excellent characteristics of people which are necessary to be successful, such as intelligence, strengthen, or even honest. Therefore, it is fair to say that these successful people are elites in our society, and the activity of pursuing self-fulfillment is desirable.

However, if when people begin to believe that money is the most important thing for their lives regarding the happiness we also should pursue, some tragedies will take place. Then we always see some people feel unhappy even they have an admirable job with a large salary. more possible situation they would encountered is that they would only feel happy with the moment that they receive their salary every year, and in rest of their time, their will feel boring and tired or even frustrated during the working-time, because they have less or even no interests and enthusiasm in the jobs they are engaging in.

In our world today, People spend nearly third of their entire time on working. So the feelings of people during their working-time will become a most important indictor to determine whether we are really happy or not. On the other hand, If a person could find a job which is so match with his interests and could obtain the feeling of self-fulfillments with a proper salary, then, the individual will feel extremely happy even the work is sometime overloaded. So I believe that money is so important for us, but it is not the only precious thing for us, and to pursue the happiness in our career is more wisdom choice for us.

EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 30, 2009   #2
Whoa! Your grammar is still so rocky that you cannot try to write such long and convoluted sentences. I got lost in your first sentence alone. What you are arguing seems sensible, but it is hard to tell because your sentences sometimes become incomprehensible. Go back through and draft the essay again using short, simple sentences.
OP sirius51 1 / 3  
Aug 31, 2009   #3
Thanks a lot! I have rewritten my essay! please give me some suggestions as well.

Some people believe that a ton of money is the only dynamic to drive people work so hard. But some others think that working in a corporation with little entertainment and amusement is so boring to bear it, even if with a admirable salary. Also, these opponents claim that money maybe useful in merely purchasing things, but are disabled to buy happiness directly. In my opinion, the significance of money should not be neglected, and the pursuit for earning more money should not be accused. But we should try to find out a balance between earning money and pursuing happiness by avoiding that working consume too much our time.

No one could deny that money play a significant role in our lives. To purchase nearly all the things in our daily life need us to spend money, such as food, water, and cars. Furthermore, people with a good salary could provide their families a more comfortable life. They could live bigger houses with an amazing swimming pool and a beautiful garden. Or perhaps they can buy more stunning jewelry to their wife in wedding day. Or perhaps they have sufficient finance capability to afford their children to apply a better private college, such as Stanford. Therefore, it is fair to say that the thirty for money is quite understandable, because they are so unreplaceable in our daily lives.

However, we should understand that the activities for earning money should not become a most obstacle for us to pursuit happiness in our daily lives by consuming our time which we could share with our families. In this case, Perhaps, they have a extreme because palace, but they have little time to enjoy it, or they could buy a stunning jewelry for their wife, but their wife feel so lonely due to they have little time to share with them. or perhaps, the children, who enter the good school, usually complain about that their happiness could not share with their parents because their parents are always so busy to care with their lives.

ps: I really have no idea of that what kind of essay could be defined as a good one?

So I am lost in the way for improving my writing skill. please give me some advises to help me figure out what I should exactly do to improve my writing skills.

Thanks !
OP sirius51 1 / 3  
Aug 31, 2009   #4
???

somebody give some advises, please!

thank you
jgv115 4 / 25  
Sep 1, 2009   #5
It's still a little hard to understand although you did improve a lot. I suggest exposing yourself to more text so you get used to sentence structures etc etc.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 4, 2009   #6
The grammar remains so rough that it is very difficult to follow what you are writing.

"Some people believe that a ton of money is the only incentivedynamic to drivethat will drive people to work so hard. But some others think that working for a corporation with little entertainment and amusement is too boring to bear it, even if withone earns an admirable salary. Also, these opponentspeople claim that money maybe useful in merely purchasing things, but that it isare disabledincapable of buying happiness directly. In my opinion,While the significance of money should not be neglected, and the pursuit offor earning more money should not be accusedcondemned, we should try to find out a balance between earning money and pursuing happiness by avoiding that workingthat consumes too much of our time."

Start with subject verb agreement, tenses, and prepositions. Mastering these will greatly improve the clarity of your writing, grammatically speaking.


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