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IELTS TASK I: Earnings in London City


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 5, 2014   #1
last night I already post this essay but I can find in my treads
appreciate for some corrections, thankyou

The schematic below was portrayed revenue comparison between male and female in London City for 1985 and 1995 in several sectors including commodity trading, banking, insurance, and currency dealing.

The chart uncovered London city total revenue in 1985 was around 3,355 million pounds. This number was more doubled in 1995 by 6,710 million pounds. However, it interesting to seek more what sectors of financial contributes more for this increasing. The data emphasized Banking sector donates the least, while the currency dealing becomes the top most with more than 50 per cent of total revenue.

Thus, more than 10 years the gender was contributed for the economic movement. The average of annual salary for male and female executive in 1985 was different around a half; the similarity was for insurance sector by 20,000 pounds. Moreover, the condition was almost similar in term 1995. The differences between gender salaries caught in several economical fields, excepting in currency dealing with 8,000 pounds.

In other hand, the movement of income of each gender between 1985 and 1995 is merely no more than tripled. For examples, female executive in banking gains 8,000 pound in 1985, then dramatically increase to 22,000 pounds in 1995. In addition male executive who works in currency dealing, earns 15,000 pounds and rose become 40,000 in the next 10 years.

In summary, total earning in London City depended on the gender salary increasing in each financial sector.



Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 5, 2014   #2
Theschematic below was portrayed revenue comparison between male and female in London City for 1985 and 1995 in several sectors including commodity trading, banking, insurance, and currency dealing.

You better specify what those schematic diagrams are. That's what they expect you to do in the introduction. Tell them specifically whether they are pie charts, bar charts, tables, line graphs etc. Also, this task is aimed at your report writing skills. Therefore you need to adopt a tone which is appropriate for informing your observations of these graphical presentations to the reader in a reporting style. Use simple and more technical words (e.g. pie chart, graph etc.) and present your ideas in a concise and clear manner.
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 5, 2014   #3
thanks for read my writing carefully, pahan.
In the beginning I think to make several information become simple, so that's why I used "schematic", but I would try to applying your advice to make it specific.

what about

Pie bar and table below portrayed the revenue comparison between male and female in London City for 1985 and 1995 in several financial sectors including commodity trading, banking, insurance, and currency dealing.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Feb 5, 2014   #4
Don't make your introduction too complicated and then difficult for readers to understand.
The two pie charts illustrates the changes in total earnings in four sectors, namely commodity trading, banking, insurance and currency dealing in London in 1985 and 1995. Meanwhile, the table compares average annual salaries of executives of both gender in aforementioned sectors over the same period.

After the introduction, you should have a overview paragraph to clarify the main trends of the graphs and table:
Overall, there was a sharp rise in the total revenue in the city of London from 1985 to 1995, with commodity trading taking over the largest proportion of banking over the given course. Likewise, annual salaries of female executives were generally lower than those of male counterparts in all sectors.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 6, 2014   #5
Pie bar and table

Pie charts and the table below

Pie bar and table below portrayed the revenue comparison between male and female in London City for 1985 and 1995 in several financial sectors including commodity trading, banking, insurance, and currency dealing.

.... keep this in present tense;
The two pie charts illustrate total earnings in London while the table provides information about the salaries of male and female executives in four financial sectors in the years of 1985 and 1995.

In the above line you have followed dumi's advice. You have paraphrased the title and included the time frames :)
Alison 5 / 13  
Feb 7, 2014   #6
I feel that you are using the same word repetitively. Let's take the word "more" as an example. You can use "slightly above 50%" instead of "more than 50 per cent".

You managed to cover most of the data but there's a lack of overview. I have a hard time trying to picture the chart by reading the essay.

And I agree with Pahan. You need to write in a more technical tone. Cheers!


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