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IELTS TASK 1 - The earth's atmosphere level and its relevant data are illustrated in the diagram.


madmoiselle 21 / 33 5  
May 5, 2016   #1
The earth's atmosphere level and its relevant data are illustrated in the diagram. Overall, it is noticeable that there are 5 scales of earth's atmosphere. The more length diameter of the earth's atmosphere is, the less number of the atmospheric molecule will be.

The first atmosphere is Troposphere, which is the shortest diameter throughout the others. It is only 15KM diameter. However, this atmosphere has lofty atmospheric molecule at 75%. The second is Stratosphere, wherein its diameter doubles larger than Troposphere. But, the percentage of molecules is smaller. It is twenty four percent. Then, the third is Mesosphere. The diameter is similar to the Troposphere, and it only has few molecules.

The following atmosphere is Thermosphere. Contrary to the prior atmospheres, this forth atmosphere, possess very few molecules. However, the diameter is much larger, it is 550KM. Then, the last atmosphere is Exosphere, which is the longest diameter at 65,000 KM. But, the molecules atmospheric are extremely rare in comparison to the other atmosphere.




nana77 2 / 2  
May 5, 2016   #2
Hi madomoiselle

Thank you for giving the useful suggestion for my essay!
I appreciated it.

I suppose your essay is really good structure and easy to follow due to the cohesive contents.
I don't know if this is an essay for IELTS but I think it is better to use "although" or "whereas" instead of "but".

Again thank you for your comments!
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
May 5, 2016   #3
Hi Rere, here's another take on your analysis.

- data areis ( as you have combined the idea of two datum, it becomes one, therefore it takes the singular form )

- diameter throughoutamongstthe others.
- It is only 15KM in diameter.
- larger than the Troposphere. But, however , the percentage
- is smaller. Itit ( you can combine this two sentences in order to create a continues flow of idea ) is twenty four percent.
- Troposphere,( no need to put a comma before the word "and" ) and
- it only has a few molecules.

- much larger, it is 550KM.
- KM. But, but ( refrain from starting your sentence with the word "but" ) ,
- the molecules atmosphericatmosphere isare extremely
- rare in comparison to the other atmospheres .

There you have it Rere, I hope the corrections and insights help you with the revision of your analysis.
As you can see, the modifications are quiet minor, however, it will definitely help you in coming up with a stronger essay.
OP madmoiselle 21 / 33 5  
May 6, 2016   #4
Halo nana and ivy thank you so much for the corrections and suggestions :)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
May 6, 2016   #5
Hi, it's our pleasure to be of service to you Rere, I really hope you keep on writing, learn new techniques and strokes on writing because this is the only way we get better at practicing and exercising the language.

Now for future writing reference, mind the minor details of the sentences, as mentioned, this minor details will definitely assure you that you will have a good essay and even a better one if not the best. The good thing about you is that you never stop trying, you keep on practicing and making sure that each practice is worthy of your time and effort.

Moreover, it will help you follow through with your progress if you note them in a book or write them down somewhere it is easier to see where you were and how much progress you made, this is what I do when I'm on to something and the progress chart that I do is really a rewarding sight.

Keep writing!
akmalnov 3 / 6  
May 14, 2016   #6
Hi Rere,

As you can see, your essay is adequately understandable.

There are few words in introductory part that I would suggest to swap:

- The earth's atmosphere levellayers .....
- The more length diameter of the earth's atmosphere is, contain the less number of the atmospheric molecule will be

I hope you take some advantages from it, Cheers !! :D


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