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TOEFL: The earth has witnessed drastic changes since human springs into existence. Our harmed planet


AngeloApollo 1 / -  
May 8, 2016   #1
I began to write some essays. Could anybody here help me check and revise my writing ?
Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The earth has witnessed drastic changes since human springs into existence. Throughout the evolution of human species, humankind has endeavored to subjugate the planet and metamorphosed it into an ideal place to put down roots. Although the grandiose ambitions to conquer mother nature is beyond the realms of possibility, people do alter the earth in far-reaching ramifications by dint of the industrial revolution and reforms in scores of spheres. Some changes might have beneficial effects on the Earth, however I am of the contrary opinion that the planet is imperiled by anthropogenic activities.

To start with, the industrialization triggers off an army of malign influences upon the earth. Every year, myriad wastages were dumped into the rivers and oceans or oil slick from damaged oil tankers is also instrumental in water contamination. Not to mention the fact that the heavy industry has emitted well-nigh 400 billion tons of carbon dioxide, which is known as a heat-trapping gas that entraps the sun radiation raising the global average temperature and changing the weather patterns all over the world, by burning fossil fuels, coal, and gas in order to fuel the world's economy from 1870 to 2013. As a result, a significant percentage of carbon dioxide are dissolved in oceans which gradually accumulate their acidity up to 30 percent over the past 100 years, hence this increase leads to the extinction of copious marine animals by virtue of a demise of the richest ocean ecosystem - the coral reefs. Also, the global warming effect is a paramount concern that intensifies the magnitude of many cataclysms such as drought, tsunami, earthquake and the rise of sea level that will engulf plenty of coastal cities in the cold deep blue water.

Likewise, the Industrial agriculture also mounts the harmful effects to our fragile spherical planet. The revolution takes place in developed countries and quickly spreads to the Third World and causes significantly bad impacts on the biosphere. A large number of forests were incinerated for farmlands and the shifting cultivation in tropical countries as well as people has diverted the course of freshwater rivers to irrigate crop and animal husbandry. In other words, according to the Union of Concerned Scientists, three billion tons of carbon dioxide emissions are discharged into the ether and 13 million hectares was marred annually. The deforestation brought about a ripple effect occasioning soil erosion, known as the fundamental rationale behind of flash floods and degradation in biodiversity. Ultimately, the mass loss of rainforest disrupts the evapotranspiration of the hydrological cycle that causes lots of extreme climates such as a diminution in annual precipitation or precipitous lengthy heatwave on the international scale. These environmental hazards which can wipe human beings off the map are unquestionably stemmed from the callous anthropogenic activities.

In closing, the human race is anthropocentric that they are pertinacious to conquer the nature and force it into their servant, as a consequence they have paid for their egregious sins in imminent catastrophes for the foreseeable future. Ergo people should take every effort to preserve our only true home in this lonely cosmos.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 9, 2016   #2
Hi Tran, welcome to EssayForum :) This website is indeed a valuable place for sharing our insights about writing, particularly by giving meaningful feedback towards other members' essays or posting our own piece of writing. Thus, I hope that you are able to continue posting or conveying ideas to other people in this forum.

Concerning your essay, I notice that you've already created a masterpiece. You were using a lot of complex vocabularies in the right place, it has perfectly matched the topic. At first, I would never know that this topic can go this deep. If I had a chance to write the same thing, I would never thought that I can go further, especially in the second body paragraph. Perhaps, the things that I can contribute are only about punctuation and few grammatical errors.

- Although the grandiose ambitions to conquer mother natureMother Natureisare beyond...
- precipitous lengthy heatwaveheat wave ...
- into their servant. asAs a consequence, they...

There you are Tran, your essay was already well-written. Even though I don't know exactly the scoring scale of TOEFL iBT, I am sure that this essay is worth beyond what you think due to its minor flaws and well-developed response. Keep up the good work! :)

I forgot, one more thing, perhaps for the next post, you can give at least one space for each paragraph, to ease us in checking your essay.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 9, 2016   #3
Hi Tran, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, you are one lucky student who have found this website, it is quiet uncommon to provide reviews and observation for absolutely no fee and we do hope that we will be able to live up to your expectations when it comes to providing you with the most accurate and comprehensive observation, comments and remarks on your writing exercises.

Now, I can see that you have received quiet a comprehensive feedback and modifications here from one of our EF contributor and I hope that you follow through with the suggested remarks.

What I notice about your essay are the words that you used all through out the article, somehow, you used words that are not so conversational, meaning, they are not used in daily conversations, this will be a little bit hard for other readers, therefore, I suggest that you try to change this words into a simpler one, something that will be easily understood by your readers.

I hope this insights helped.


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