Success always has a fundamental interconnection with social background. People were influenced by the government, the culture and numerous social events of their own time. So the question goes, which could be more easily to success: nowadays or the past. Now I'd like to discuss this particular issue in my following words.
Some people might suggest people in the past are more likely to success. Imagine that we live in a period of ancient time, Ancient Greek, for example. That's the period that western psychology and philosophy began to grow and flourish. So you might think living in that period of time is more likely to success than the world we live today. Things are not that simple, ancient society has a strict status of hierarchy, only a small number of private people can have the right to get educated. How can a person easily success without a wide vision and knowledge?
Back to today's life, we're living in a world with highly developed technology, large volumes of information and fully developed social strategy. We gained education since we were born, get to know about events happening outside the country with a single clip of the mouse button. So wouldn't that be a little easier to success than ancient time? Although we're facing a number of problems today, such as having high pressure and severe competitions at work. But those problems are much easier to handle comparing with those problems like severe social unfairness.
Although we see many people succeed in the past, like Socrates and Plato, they made huge achievement. But we also see successful people nowadays too, like Barak Obama and Bill Gates. The truth is, people can't reach success without knowledge, only with that power can people gain success, and we can gain it easier than before don't we?
To sum up, living in this world full of opportunities, one can more easily to gain success.
You went very far in in history, I don't think this is what this topic about.
In ancient history I dont think that there were TOFEL tests.
The topic is about TOFEL tests now and 20 or 30 years ago and may be more.
Your ideas should be relevant to the topic you are writing about.
oh really, i can see your idea, maybe i was on the wrong track...thanks for your advise very much.By the way, any suggestions on how should i focus on the point? I mean does the period of time i quoted is the only mistake i made? xD
Dear Daliqin
Lets start with your forum type which is "Essaya, Term Papers" which I am not sure is related to your "TOEFL Eaay Feedback" then be careful about your request in posting a thread.
Regarding to your writing as a TOEFL Essay, it is better to have an acceptable structure as Essay for TOEFL. In this essay sample, which I found it far from standards in TOEFL essay writing, you need some work out on your grammar along with vocabulary. Your writing looks like as a speech which you can tell and go further,remember that in writing you will leave behind some evidences that are observed and judged by the readers. I can give you a some suggestions that can prompt you have a acceptable structure or in other words a departure and destination point.
Lets start first with writing structure in TOEFL or any other essays.
A quick review of the structure in essays shows that you should have an comprehensive introduction with your thesis statement and arguments about the question or any other request in essay title, followed with 2-3 paragraphs elaborating each of your arguments and providing an example, and at the end a conclusion which is a rephrasing of the introduction.
This 3 steps are streight forward and easy to carry out; however need some effort and practises.
Now let go back to your essay and see if you accomplished all of this needs?
Do you find any argument or point of view about the " Is easier today to have a success rather than the past?"
Then you start your first paragraph with:
" Some people might suggest people in the past are more likely to success. ,,,,"
without giving a reason that why people suggest this idea. then you continue the same argument without providing any example and this pattern is going further without any result that be seen at the end and close your paragraph.
In the next paragraph, you start talking about the "Back to today's life..." new life and technology, you start a another chapter about pressure in job or unfairness without any defined resolution.
The next paragraph is the same failure as I said for other parts, and your conclusion is very short and incomplete.
After a couple of times reading your essay the reader can understand what do you intend to say, but in TOEFL the score is given on how you correctly and coherently provide your opinion.
There are also some vocabulary mistake such as : to success, which it is supposed to be
to succeed and some small other points.
do not forgot that a good writing is a stuctured and goal oriented one.
keep on trying and goood luck.
Aria
