The following topic is from GRE analytical writing issue pool.
"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
This is my statement:
1
In the view of development of human society, it is not difficult to draw this conclusion that famous individuals such as Elbert Einstein and Martin Luther King, and many common people, say, numerous gallant Chinese people involved in the Anti-Japanese War in World War II, play same role in importance of determining significant events and trends in history. We should pay equal attention to both of them for their significance of history studying.
2
We can never deny few individuals' great performances in human progress and technological development. For instance, undoubtedly, as one of greatest scientists in human history, Elbert Einstein play irreplaceable role in last century. His greatest contribution to physics is constructing the Special and General Theories of Relativity, which become the stone in the history of physics development. He is also regarded as the father of modern physics for his another important discovery. His great talent and intelligence has made "Einstein" become synonymous with "genius". While we focus on the great technological progress with the guidance of Einstein's theory, we have to notice another distinguished individual contemporarily, Martin Luther King. As Afro-American leader in the African American civil rights movement, he has become an iconic figure in the history of American liberalism for his devotion to civil rights. He delivered the famous speech "I Have a Dream" and established his reputation as one of the greatest orators in American history. He contributed greatly to end racial segregation and racial discrimination. Therefore, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day was established as a U.S. national holiday in 1986. Many individuals like Einstein and King become the propulsion of history progress, which illustrates the point that distinguished individuals are potential to determine the direction of development for a particular society, even landscape of the whole world.
3
Without these performances of individuals on history stage, the tracking of human progress and our world would become another view which is definitely distinctive from current situation. Maybe we can never speak to our relatives overseas within telephone since Thomas Edison had disappeared in his time. Maybe it is worse, that we are involved in a contorted world which is extremely unfaith to Jewish, since Adolf Hitler got the final victory in World War II with his loyal followers, Nazi Partisans. Every important individual like them left footprint in history, numerous their footprints constitute the path of human history development.
4
On the other hand, we cannot ignore the key role of common people for history study. Chinese people in World War II are such a group. In numerous fights against Japanese fascists, many ordinary Chinese people became the real heroes on battlefield. They eventually fought off the invaders and got back the destructed home town from Japanese fascists with their valor and intrepidity. Without dedication of processors in the war, it is still a distant dream that construct an independent nation; many present Chinese people like me would never be proud of our rapidly economic development and technological advancement; the hold city of 2008 Olympic Games would not be Beijing, neither. Undoubtedly, as we have to mention Mao Zedong, a distinguished individual leader with great contribution to victory of Anti-Japanese War, we should also not forget Chinese people and their brave performance in this war.
5
Finally, over emphasizing the significance of few individuals in history studying leads to sightless cult of personality which is often accompanying with grievous result. The Cultural Revolution in China following with victory of Anti-Japanese war is undoubtedly a nightmare for every Chinese people at that moment. It is Mao Zedong, the individual leaded Chinese people got the victory of Anti-Japanese war, who launched the untimely movement which results in the development of China left fifty years behind the situation without that. Generally speaking, only leader's personal misleading decision would not result in actual disaster. But if there are many followers advocate the potential catastrophic decision without any rational judgment, disaster inevitably appears. It is many Chinese people's blindfold idolatry for Mao caused the Cultural Revolution. The significance of common people for war victory was ignored. Instead, all of achievements are attributed to an individual. Thus, many Chinese people lost capability of judgment when it comes to Mao's decision. The balance of history would never be balance if the influences of individuals and groups of people could not be treated equally.
6
Without the contribution of common people to history, we would not analyze and judge significant events and trends in history. Any commentary without consideration of groups of people is unreliable and misleading. While few individuals potentially control the direction of history path, many groups of people are the real impulsion for pushing history progress. In order to get authentic results of history studying, the significance of individuals and groups of people should be paid identical attention and treated equally.
I am looking forward to any commentary, suggestions or revised work. Thank you so much!!
In the view of development of human society, it is not difficult to draw this the conclusion that famous individuals such as Albert Einstein and Martin Luther King, and many common people -- say, numerous gallant Chinese people involved in the Anti-Japanese War in World War II -- play equal roles in and have equal importance in determining significant events and trends in history. We should pay equal attention to both of them for their significance of to students of history.
Elbert Albert
As a lead er in the African American civil rights movement, he has ...
On the other hand, we cannot ignore the key role of common people in shaping the events of history.
Finally, over emphasizing the significance of few individuals in history studying leads to sightless cult of personality which is often accompanying accompanied by grievous results.
The Cultural Revolution in China following with victory of Anti-Japanese war was undoubtedly a nightmare for every Chinese people at that moment.
It is many Chinese people's blind idolatry for Mao that caused the Cultural Revolution.
In order to get authentic results when studying history, the significance of famous individuals and groups of common people should be paid identical attention and treated equally.
I can't review the whole thing, so I decided to look at parts 4-5-6. A few suggestions:
1. "Without dedication of processors in the war, it is still a distant dream that construct an independent nation; many present Chinese people like me would never be proud of our rapidly economic development and technological advancement; the hold city of 2008 Olympic Games would not be Beijing, neither. "
I don't know what "processors" means, but I'll try to revise the sentence anyway.
"Without dedication of processors in the war an independent nation would have still been a distant dream, many Chinese people like me would never be proud of our rapid economic development and technological advancement, the host city of 2008 Olympic Games would not be Beijing. "
"Neither" kinda doesn't feel right here. I also didn't cut any content -- just revised it. The sentence is obviously rather long. Maybe squeeze "rapid economic development and technological advancement" into "rapid development". Everybody gets the idea and the sentence becomes easier to digest.
2. "Every important individual like them left a footprint in history, their numerous footprints constitute the path of human history development."
3. "It is Mao Zedong, the individual leaded Chinese people got the victory of Anti-Japanese war, who launched the untimely movement which results in the development of China left fifty years behind the situation without that."
I did get the idea of this sentence, but it really needs revising. Something like:
"It is Mao Zedong, the individual that led Chinese people to victory in the Anti-Japanese war, who launched the untimely movement resulting in fifty years worth loss for China's development ."
Still feels somewhat cumbersome, but it's an improvement, I guess.
An overall advice:
You seem to have a passion for long sentences =) They are ok if your story is just several sentences long. But I felt exhausted after reading your writing. The first sentence killed me from the start, for example.
You should try to break down SOME of them (...long -- a few short ones -- longer one again -- shorties follow...), so the reader's brain gets a rest from time to time and doesn't get overloaded.
Well, that's an IMHO, maybe you're supposed to write in such a complex manner for "GRE analytical writing". I don't know much about GRE. Hope this helps.
