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TOEFL: eating more vegetables, less junk food and sweet, improve your health


Ocean Weng 1 / 1  
Mar 11, 2013   #1
Please check and rate my TOEFL essay. Thank you very much!!!

Which of the following would you change to improve your health:
1. The kind of food you eat 2. The amount of exercise 3. the amount of stress


As the technology develops rapidly and is updated frequently, we have more advanced medical facilities than those in the past. Our health condition, however, seems getting worse because we adapt an unreasonable and harmful eating habit.

Without doubt, eating more vegetables rather than too much meat is a fundamental way to modern people to avoid being too fat. Or to be more precise, eating meat such as pork or beef, is able to increase our weight. Dr. James Cone, a distinguished scolar specializes in nutrition. Researching a project named "Food and healthy" for 25 years, he found that the ones who practice vegeterianism are much occupancy than the people who only eat meat daily. A girl called Marry Christia saied that, she used to took too much meat every day, nevertheless she ate more cabbage later. Finally, she got rid of the boresome of overweight.

Apart from the vivid demonstration above, to keep away from having junk food, especially fried potato chips and chicken that sold in KFC is another crucial aspect. On the condition that these food can damage our body and destruct our immune system. Take me and my neighborhood John Oliphint for instance, we usually went to a KFC near my house to purchase some fried food for lunch and supper. For this reason, both of us became illness and went to hospital frequently. The doctor told us that we would not be cured unless we give ourselves up to the unwholesome food, but Oliphint did not care about the invaluable recommendation. Unfortunately, he got a cancer and dead at last.

There is also a standpoint which I still insist, we are responsibility of controlling our sweetmates intake. Modern people are suffered by teeth corrosion for a long time, and it always results from eating too much sweet food. As a illustration, I ate excessive chocolates, cakes and milk sweets when I was 10 years old, what is worse, I also drunk too much coffee and coke. In this way, my teeth became much more waken than before, and I was tortured by the toothache since I abandoned my sweet-addiction. If anyone who still exercises the unreasonable habit, I implore him or her for his or her's freedom from physical pain's sake to give up it now!

This theme between food and health is fertile with implications. On the whole, I reaffirm that eating more vegetables, less junk food and sweet, can offers lasting benifits for us.

abcdefgh 5 / 21 3  
Mar 11, 2013   #2
]hello . your essay never pursuit the law of essay. some sentencess is unclear. the your introduction is not realated to subject and is very short. it is bettet in stead of without doubt , writte undobtedfuly. more sentences is fragment.
temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 11, 2013   #3
etting worse because we ada pt an unreasonable and harmful eating habit.

adopt.. adapt is to get used to some environment.

Dr. James Cone, a distinguished scolar specializes in nutrition.

specialized.

Finally, she got rid of the boresome of overweight .

reread and try to correct the sense.

For this reason, both of us became illness and went to hospital frequently.

illness it must be ill

my teeth became much more waken than before,

ther are alot much mistakes like that and you need to fix your grammar.
you can deal further with it if you have microsoft wordpad.just copy paste it there and it will point out all sorts of errors. grammatical in green. others in red underline.hope it can help out even more...!!! BEST OF LUCK :)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 11, 2013   #4
As the technology develops rapidly and is updated frequently, we have more advanced medical facilities than those in the past.

Well.... this sounds a bit irrelevant to your topic... What you need to do in the introduction is that you should introduce your topic and then state your opinion.

This is my suggestion for your introduction;
There is a saying that Health is Wealth and it is very true. However, today many people face serious health issues mainly due to their unhealthy eating habits.

Without any doubt, eating more vegetables rather than too much meat is a fundamental way to modern people to avoid beingbecoming too fat.

r. James Cone, a distinguished scolar specializes in nutrition,Researchingresearching a project named "Food and healthy" for 25 years, he found that the ones who practice vegeterianism are much occupancy than the people who only eat meat daily.

.... here you have issues with punctuation; also I wish if you rephrased this to convey your idea more clearly to the reader.
OP Ocean Weng 1 / 1  
Mar 11, 2013   #5
Thanks for your correction. I decide to download a microsoft wordpad.

I want to know, how many scores can the essay earns?
Qingye 3 / 5  
Mar 11, 2013   #6
I think the introduction is not so clear
I am preparing the toefl test, too


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