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Wontaeyoung 1 / 1  
Sep 22, 2017   #1
Hi~please help me correct the essay below .I really need your help.:) Thanks~

economic development and environmental preservation

It is undeniable that the economic development is the key component to both the nation's growth and its citizens' quality of life. However, everything must come with its cost and the price we are paying for our own prosperity is the environment. Therefore, there have been debates heated by the query whether economic development and environmental protection can be promoted simultaneously or not. From my perspective, these two are not completely incompatible and can be mutually reinforcing provided that we cooperate in reaching the goal of so-called sustainable environmentally friendly development.

Admittedly, we can not nullify the benefits that the economic development can bring about. The stability and prosperity of the economy can help to elevate our living standards and also improve the nation's other fields such as agriculture, technology advancement and military power. Paradoxically, the growth of the economy comes at a cost: the environment. The excessive exploitation is now acting as a catalyst for natural resource depletion. Additionally, the factories are holding responsibility for the alarming rate of carbon footprint and the discharge of chemical waste. These acts and many likewise others are exerting a devastating impact on the existence of our environment. In this view, the economic development and environmental protection can be conflicting.

However, I believe that developing the economy without instigating environmental degradation is feasible. First and foremost, people are becoming more and more aware of the integral part that the environment plays. They are now familiar with environment-friendly products and turning away from the companies that is only interested in profits rather than the surroundings.To illustrate, the prevalence of electronic bicycles amongst Vietnamese can embody this situation. Furthermore, the governments should also throw their weight behind the environment issues. They can introduce a law to enforce the companies to curb their carbon emissions,confine their utilization of natural resources and refine chemical waste before releasing.

In conclusion, to retain the balance between economic development and environmental preservation, people must be environmentally conscious, not only to save the Earth but also to attain a sustainable prosperity.

Thank you again for helping me correct my essay ~~~

Wakalanud 3 / 7 3  
Sep 23, 2017   #2
hay @Wontaeyoung

better if you avoid to use the word it as opening word, although you can, it is not really strong word for academic, also for the word we that you use in paragraph 2 better if you change it.

The development of economic is undeniable key for both nation's growth and citizens' quality of life.

No one can nullify the benefits from the economic development can bring about.

... and also to improve the other nation's other fields such as (...) advancement, and military power.

They can implement a law enforcement for the companies to curb carbon emissions, to confine utilization of natural resources, and to refine chemical waste before releasing.

your conclusion did not develop well, you should paraphrase your main idea from the introduction, and also put some main idea about what did you discuss from body paragraph 1 & 2 (not include a detail)
sfiza 17 / 28  
Sep 23, 2017   #3
@Wontaeyoung HI,

At first you let me know me which type of prompt is it , I mean which one is your questions :

Opinion (Agree or Disagree)
Advantages and Disadvantages.
Problem and Solution.
Discussion (Discuss both view)
Two-part Question.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,127 3267  
Sep 23, 2017   #4
Young, as I read your essay, I came to only one conclusion, and this is without having access to the original prompt. Your paragraphs are not really paragraphs that defend a stance in the sense of the original prompt. Rather, you presented a series of opening statements which are paraphrased representations of the original prompt and nothing more. You presented a partial retelling of the original prompt without really representing usable ideas or facts that would tell the reader that you have already presented the original discussion topic and the discussion instructions so now you will be discussing your body of paragraphs. Do not focus so much on proving your advance word usage that you forget that you have to discuss the supporting facts, examples, or reasons within the body in order to defend your stance. This is the most obvious problem of your essay that can be observed with or without the original prompt. Do us all a favor and post the prompt in its original form the next time you post an essay for review. That way, I can offer you a more analytical observation of your essay work.
OP Wontaeyoung 1 / 1  
Sep 28, 2017   #5
@Wakalanud thank you so much for helping me, I really appreciate that
@Holt Thank you a lot for helping me, for pointing me out that I still lack usable ideas when defending my position. This is one thing that I have never paid heed to since I started to learn writing.