Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS: 'economic, diplomacy, and environmental' - most popular career choices for youth in Indonesia


fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Aug 13, 2014   #1
What do you feel will be most popular career choices for young people in your country in the next five years? Explain your answer with examples.

One of benchmark from individuals succes is their career. There are a lot of inhabitants in my country particularly build their career from young age. They apply a job in a great company to get succes in their career. Specifically, there are several popular career in my country will be choosen in the next five years. Those are soctors of Economic, diplomacy, and environmental.

My country, Indonesia will toward ASEAN Community next year. It does mean economic growth of Indonesia is depend on ASEAN Countries stability. Therefore, almost all universities in Indonesia use ASEAN Economic system to teach their students. Because of that economic sector will be populer career when those students graduated from their college. While diplomacy sector is also important to make stability across Association of South East Asia Nation countries. Recently, Indonesian president, Mr. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, pay more attention for Indonesian diplomacy among 10 countries in south east Asia. He will do remuneration for citizen who work on international relation sector. That policy would increase people interest to take a job for diplomacy.

On the other side, climate change and environmental crime in my country are affect nature's activists to hire more staff and pay them with high sallary. Predictably, global warming will more terrible next year and further year. That condition would lead to increasing environmental concern in every companies and institution. Further more, environmental sector will be popular career for next few years later.

After analize Indonesian condition among three popular career above, I believe that diplomacy will be most popular career for next several years. I tend to be convinced that diplomacy theory would causes all sectors and influence the career in the future. According to the theory, Indonesian Inhabitants probably would concern to learn international relations and looking for job in relation to diplomacy. So, it will be most popular career.

To sum in the nutshell, in my country, Indonesia, would have three popular career such as sector of economic, diplomacy, and environmental. Those sectors will become popular because of either Indonesian conditions or international agreement between My country and ASEAN countries. From three sectors, only diplomacy sector can lead all popular career. So diplomacy will be most popular career in next five year in Indonesia.

SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Aug 13, 2014   #2
This is a good essay with clear explanation
I would like to assist few things.

Commonly, making 4 paragraphs in IELTS essay writing is the most suitable in conquering time. However, If you could make such writing under 40 minutes you already did well preparation.

. From three sectors, only diplomacy sector can lead all popular career. So diplomacy will be most popular career in next five year in Indonesia.

You did a general judgement. While your prompt requires you to feel the most popular career choice , Probably you can state your personal statement with a phrase such I think, I believe or I feel in chosing the most popular career.
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Aug 14, 2014   #3
succes

populer

south east

Further more

misspelling

Some grammar issues

While diplomacy sector is also important to make stability across Association of South East Asia Nation countries.

While Subject + Verb, Subject + Verb. or Subject + Verb, while Subject + Verb.

climate change and environmental crime in my country are affect

Bad grammar

Predictably, global warming will more terrible next year and further year.

you don't have verb here.

three popular career

singular/ plural

diplomacy theory would causes all sectors and influence the career in the future.

Modal + V1

Overall, the content of writing is clear due to thesis statement is stated briefly. Good luck for you.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Aug 17, 2014   #4
One of benchmark from individuals'succes (spelling problem) is their career. There are a lot of inhabitants ( are you sure this is the right word to express the idea of 'individuals'?) in my country particularly build their career from young age. They apply for a job in a great company to get succes (spelling problem) in their career. Specifically, there are several popular career ( plural problem) in my country will be choosen (word form problem) in the next five years. Those are soctors (spelling problem) of Economic (make sure you write it in lower-case letter , diplomacy, and environmental.

Here are some issues I reveal that you should pay particular attention to:
1. Spelling
2. Word form
3. Lower/upper-case letter
4. I did not see you write a strong thesis statement.

My country, Indonesia will toward ASEAN Community next year. It does mean economic growth of Indonesia is depend on ASEAN Countries stability.

This seems to me you don't have much choice to write a topic sentence.

To sum in the nutshell,

This is wordiness. Simply write: In conclusion,


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'economic, diplomacy, and environmental' - most popular career choices for youth in Indonesia