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Economic progress? Government should support its own citizens and their basic needs

Eve0309 3 / 5  
Sep 4, 2017   #1
Here is the topic:

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Here is my answer:

people need money to survive

Nowadays, the economic play an important part in our life, it also makes the government put the economic progress as a first goal. However, some people think that other types of progress are equally important to compare to the economic progress. In this essay, I am going to discuss both of these views.

The reason why the government put the economic progress at first goal is because money is the basic needed for people to survive. For instance, people need money to pay the food, bill or other fees. Furthermore, people can also use the money to enhance their life quality, such as buying a new car, house or having a travel. So it is very clear that money can increase people's satisfaction with life, and it might also enhance the satisfaction for the government.

However, there are also have some people suggest that the government should also put other types of progress as a first goal because they are both important for the country development, for example, health care, education, or transport system are also fundamental development for a country. For instance, a full development country should keep these types of progress and economic progress in balance and create a friendly environment for people.

Overall, I think it is very important to satisfy the people's basic needed of life and also enhance the life quality, these are all about the economic progress and they are all should be priority things for the government. On the other hand, it is also very hard to process the other types of progress if the government did not fully develop the economic progress first. Therefore, it is necessary that the government put the economic progress as the most important goal before other types of progress.

Thanks for everyone who is willing to spend your time in my essay, because I am going to take the test in this Saturday, so I wonder about the score.

If you could give me a general score that will be very nice, thank you so much and I will keep learning my writing skill.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,250 4653  
Sep 5, 2017   #2
Chou, you still need to work on your opening paraphrase. While you show the ability to understand and restate English statements, you still have a lacking degree of accuracy in your method of paraphrasing. You have to be exactly on topic from the very beginning. Your first sentence created a slight prompt deviation that can easily be fixed. Please refer to my example below:

Most countries are run by governments that believe that the economic progress of the country is their primary goal. This is an opinion that differs from the public opinion that there are other goals of equal importance for the country. In this essay, I will discuss these two viewpoints and then offer my personal insight on the matter.

When you opened your essay with; "The reason why..." you immediately began a discussion without offering an overview of what the discussion is supposed to be about. Since the opening statement is meant to serve as the outline of the forthcoming discussion, you are not permitted to present an immediate discussion in the first paragraph. That would be like starting a conversation from the middle instead of at the beginning. Without a proper topic presentation and discussion outline, the opening statement, which the TA score is based on, will not get a strong opening score.

The second weakness of your essay is that you do not indicate which point of view is being discussed in the paragraph prior to your supporting discussion presentation. You need to use terms like "Based on government data indicators..." or "The economic factors that the government considers..." or any other form of introduction that indicates what the topic for discussion in that paragraph will be. This will clearly show that you are developing a chronological discussion for your essay.

Another problem with your essay is that you do not fully develop your paragraph presentations because, rather than focusing on the discussion of singular facts, which is all the time that you have to present in the actual test, you are focusing more on just providing relevant information without an accurate explanation. Such actions on your part create paragraphs that clearly lack the cohesiveness and coherence that these essays require. If you cannot properly develop a strain of thought in a single paragraph, you will score poorly in this section. That is why you need to focus on only one topic per paragraph for presentation development. Prioritize the quality of your discussion over the quantity of information you are presenting.

Finally, your personal opinion is not meant to be the closing paragraph of the essay. The personal opinion, is a fully developed presentation of your understanding of the topic in relation to the given information. That requires a 5 sentence presentation at the maximum. The concluding paragraph, should not be discussing new information as it is meant to end a discussion instead of continue it. The discussion must be completed only within 3 paragraphs after the opening statement. The 5th paragraph, is the closing presentation or concluding paragraph.

In my opinion, the score for this essay will be no higher than a 5.

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