A country economically successful and with a clean environment
I took the IELTS test last year and only got a 6.5 on writing (overall 8.0). I would really appreciate your help if you could give me some feedbacks to improve my writing so I can get a better result next time.
(I did not time myself writing this essay - I thought I would prioritize expanding grammar, vocabulary, and ideas first, so this took me 1 hour to finish)
QUESTION: Some people say that it is possible for a country to be both economically successful and have a clean environment. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
There has been a heated debate regarding the possibility for a country to develop a thriving economy while preserving the quality of its environment. While I concur with the idea that the growth of a nation's economy ineluctably has grave ramifications on the nature, the co-existence of a strong economy and the healthy Earth is not impossible, given that more attention is paid on the health of our life-supporting system.
On the one hand, some people argue that the nature of any economy is deeply predicated on the excessive extraction of the environment, thus there is an inverse proportion between the well-being of the environment and that of the economy. In other words, the more determined people are to make their countries economically booming, the more relentlessly they will deplete the Earth of its resources. Hence, mankind would eventually reach the point when their insatiable needs are no longer satisfied by the finite natural resource of the Earth. Human-induced degradation of nature could be exemplified by the fact that more than three-quarters of land worldwide has been converted into estates for livestock cultivation and crop production, as reported by the United Nation in 2019.
On the other hand, however, others are of the opinion that the idea of simultaneously strengthen their country's economy whilst maintaining the surrounding environmental quality is not a far-fetched one. Highlighting recent remedial efforts made by governments to compensate for environmental damages as a reason for their viewpoint, these people are optimistic about the states of both their countries' economy and environment. While I agree that government subsidization, which mainly comes from firms whose activities vest in the exploitation of natural capital, can facilitate in the healing of the environment, this remedy only exerts a certain level of impact. Unless all companies embrace sustainable developmental strategies, the Earth will not be able to replenish itself to catch up with the rate at which exploitative activities are taking place.
To recapitulate, should nations wish to thrive economically, they must not neglect the protection of the very foundation of their economy - the environment.I know it's not part of your essay but the correct form of feedback is always singular (not feedbacks) as feedback cannot be counted (can use many, more, etc.)
There has been a heated debate (remove a, since there is more than one debate and it is ongoing) or use 'There is heated debate'
"In other words, the more determined people are to make their countries succeed economically economically booming, the more relentlessly they will deplete the Earth of its resources."
paid on the health of our life-supporting system. --> paid to the health of our life-support system
"On the other hand, however,"
Third Paragraph: 'on the other hand' and 'however' can be used in place of each other in most cases, you only need one, and since 'on one hand' was used in the second paragraph, I suggest you remove 'however'
strengthen --> strengthening
I felt that the conclusion was quite effective. There were a few sentences that I had to read twice to find the meaning of, due to grammar. Some sentences could be reworded to be shorter and to the point. Overall, it was well-written and appropriate to the topic, as it discussed both sides of the argument. My formatting may have been a bit confusing (first post!) so just ask if you need clarification. Based on this writing, I think you'll do better on the IELTS this time around :)
Dear Katie,
Thank you very much for your feedback! I learned a lot from it. I myself am aware that sometimes my sentences tend to be over-complicated because I just want to employ more sophisticated grammar structures. Do you have any suggestions to effectively showcase grammar knowledge through your sentences without making them unnecessarily complex?
