I disagree
I consider that both approaches
While this is an agree or disagree essay, it is also an extent essay. Therefore, your response is only partially correct. There needs to be a measured degree reference for the strength of your support for your point of view. Without that reference, you will not receive a full score for this otherwise acceptable paragraph presentation. That reference should be repeated twice, in the paraphrase and concluding summary. Additionally, being a single opinion essay, you failed to represent a strong argument for one reference point. Hence, you do not have a clear one sided opinion presentation as required. This is not and cannot be discussed as a comparative essay based on the given writing instruction.
On the one hand,
On the other hand,
Incorrect response format. This is a single opinion essay so your reasoning paragraphs need to reflect 2 supporting reasons for your point of view. Both opinions cannot be correct. You need to pick one side to defend otherwise, neither opinion is properly developed and explained in the essay.