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Education brings up more job opportunities for those who are educated.

Jun 17, 2011   #1
Just want some feedback on my writing.. thank you.

Education, without a doubt, can affect a person's future. Many job opportunities are opened for those who are more educated. A good education will not only bring talented students into the country, but also increase our life styles. Education is definitely one of the most important factors in the development of a country because it opens up job opportunities, brings up more talented individuals into the country, and increases our living styles.

Many job opportunities are opened up because of education. A proper education teaches people skills and knowledge they will need in their careers. As people become more educated, more job opportunities will be opened to the educated individuals who process the qualifications to succeed in those jobs. Therefore, education serves a key to unlock job opportunities.

A good education will also attach many talented individuals into the country. For instance, there are many foreign students choosing to study in Canada every year. They explain that for studying in Canada of is because the education system in here is better than back home. After finishing their degree, many of those students choose to stay in Canada because they are attracted by the job opportunities in Canada than back home. Hence, a good education will attract talented individuals into the country.

Education also increases our life styles. As we know more and more about our living surrounding, we can now make a choice for a better life style. For example, through education, we now understand that some common household products or insulation, such as asbestos, can cause cancer. Since then, we have switched to a safer and healthier alternative; a step towards a better and healthier life styles.

In summary, education is one of the most important factors in the development of a country. Education brings up more job opportunities for those who are educated. A good education in the country can attract foreign students to study abroad and work in the country. Also, education increases our awareness of dangerous substances in our living surrounding, thus we will choose a safer and healthier alternatives, promoting a healthier and better life style.

Jun 17, 2011   #2
Hei Simone! I'm not sure what the assignment was, so I will assume you had to write an short essay.

This piece of writing is quite boring. In the introduction you say that education is good. And that's the idea in every following paragraph. It's not a wrong opinion, but try to say why education today is wrong on so many levels. For example, many teachers don't think outside the box and therefore many children get out of school brainwashed; or the "college-bubble" problem in the US; or the futility of schools on the countryside in many countries, where children are going to school on paper, not in reality. Find something that will make the reader ask himself questions about what you're writing about.

Also the text is missing a certain flow. You have chosen to go safe and use short sentences, that are however not "bound" to each other; if you take most of them separately, each could be a thesis. Try first of all to cut back on the words "education"/"educated". They're all over the text.

Ok, I know I sound very harsh and I'm sorry for that, but I'm sure you can improve this text. ;D
Jun 18, 2011   #4
Dear Simone,
Permit me to do a summary of your write-up.
-Education is good because it helps us improve our skills, enables us get better jobs and thus, improve our living styles and standards.
-It attracts foreign talented students to Canada.
These two sentences represent the only two messages you have been able to pass across in your essay. Yet they do not tell us how education help improve on a country's socio-economic and political development.

In my opinion, i think there are 4 steps you should take:
(1) Start by giving us what your perception of education is. In your essay, you have construed education to be the process of schooling, yet education is broader than that. It's simply a process through which an indivials acquires desirable skills and knowledge needed in him to be fit and useful to both himself and society; education is not complete unless it teaches people how help themselves in life and contribute positively to the development of the society where he might find himself in the future.

(2) the next is to help us understand what you think development is. Is it poverty reduction, increase in people's standard of living, improvement of a nation's technological know-how, political stability or reduced corruption and terrorism, etc.?

(3) next, tell us how education fixes into these issues of development i.e., the way in which educated people can help positively in national development. For instance if you consider improvement in Small and Medium Scales Enterprises (SMEs) in a country as the best way a country will rapidly develop, then your arguement here should explain how education will enable people to be enlightened, empowered, and self-reliant as to making them develope entrepreneurship skill and becoming business tycoon all on their own. By this, people depend less on government for improvement in their standard of living, more jobs are created, poverty alleviated, and nation's economy resutantly will witness a boom in few years. All to the glory of proper education and training.

(4) last, you briefly reiterate education as sin-qua-non to national development and make few suggestions as to how a country should invest more on educating the citizens.

I don't know if this helps, i just think you might need to consider it so you could improve on your essay.
Simone, I should also warn you to avoid repeating sentences like three times in the same essay. Check your 1st paragraph alone, you said something like "education giving us job opportunities" more than once. In the same paragraph you also mention "education as it helps us increase our lives styles" I think this paragraph is too small that this type of repeatitions could be tolerated.

Best wishes!
EF_KevinThreads: 8
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Jun 18, 2011   #5
Great ideas, here!
I think maybe the essay is saying things that are too obvious. In the first paragraph, you write a few things that everyone already knows.

The key is to write about the importance of education and compare it to another important part of society.. like the military, private enterprise, social services, environmental protection, and so forth. Is education most important? I think it is... but why is it most important?

Right here, use SERVES AS:
Therefore, education serves as a key to unlock job opportunities.

Also, education increases our awareness of dangerous substances in our living surroundings, and thus we will choose safer and healthier alternatives, promoting a healthier and better life style.----I took out the word "a"

Jun 19, 2011   #7
I wonder,in essays if i give some data unrealistic but it seem to realistic Is that ok,
Example : Every years has about 500 thousand people die by smoked ( in essay about smoked)

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